I sit in front of my laptop looking at my reflection in the screen. Who is this woman? Gained a few pounds, face got round, new wrinkles craved in the corners of her eyes... She looks sad, unsatisfied and lost. I don't like what I see and I can't help it. I feel as if a past me came to haunt me. As if this sad, depressed woman, whom I have been ignoring for too long and pretended she doesn't exist, started screaming to my face. Look at me! LOOK AT ME! I am here, I exist and I need healing! Please stop pretending that everything is fine. Just talk to me and make me feel good again. Walk me out of bitterness and pain. But I can't help her... I don't have the strength. And even if I had, I wouldn't know where to start. What do we do? Help us, please!
Once upon a time... Yes, it actually seems a fairy tale long ago.
There was this girl who fell for a man and got herself a broken heart. Such a story has been told so many times in so many different ways. But never like this.
As many other girls, this one was also insecure, low on self-esteem and in a lack of feeling that she was worth loving. It's never hard to impress girls like this. All you have to do is be kind. A nice word, warm gesture and she's head over heels, all the way in, entirely, completely, endlessly in love. With you, with the idea of who you might be, with the pictures of your perfect life together. The ones she herself made in her head, of course. And she made herself hurt and suffer in an agonizing pain. And none of it was your fault. It was all her, a hundred percent.
She was the one who let you in, she was the one who trusted, she was the one with high hopes and expectations. She wanted a more beautiful life, but at the time couldn't realize there is no movie-like love in reality. All she got were disappointments, sleepless nights, feeling of suffocating in this cruel, miserable life of hers. So she started looking for comfort, for new kind words, for someone to share time with. All she got was loneliness in a company of distant men. As if like she chose them not to like them. Oh, and life was so generous in giving her everything she didn't want.
Why? Because she didn't know what she wanted. She was so lost and hurt that she unconsciously stopped wishing, stopped dreaming... And she blamed you for it. Because you offered a handful of dreams and then took them all with you. I think that sometimes she even hated you. And I know you probably would hate yourself too if you could only for a moment feel everything she felt back then. But don't... Please.
The cause of all the chaos is just a single flaw in her beliefs. You see, she believed only other people could make her happy, make her feel loved and complete. And of course she had to learn the hard way. Of course it took time, but she made it. She became a woman who knows that no one but herself can give her greater and more beautiful love, that no one can make her so happy as she can.
A trapped little girl became a free woman who by loving you to the point of self-destruction miraculously found a way to love who she is.
And she did it all by herself - the girl you loved a fairy tale ago.
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me... And I'm feeling good.
In the past few days I've been sharing some old posts from the blog to my facebook page, and today I came across a post where I was wondering how can people live happily if they build their lives on ruins of what once was the most beautiful thing in their lives. And NOW I have an answer. They live better, with more upswing and enthusiasm.
See, when you survive a shipwreck by sailing to the coast on a small raft, then build a new ship and sail away so far, to a place where your eyes can't meet the coast anymore, then you know you've won. You grew, you learned and you dared to live again. And I believe there is nothing in this world that can bring you more freedom. This feeling that you are the one who did it just gives you more courage. The fact that you were shattered into pieces and remodeled yourself to this new piece of art makes you feel strong, because you know - no matter what life gives you, you can build a masterpiece!
It's such an emotional thing... Reading my blog after a long period of time.
God, will I ever love like this again?! I know the answer is "no", because one can't have the same love twice.
I've took all the classes, learned all the lessons. I've been a heck of a student.
So thank you life!
For giving me this experience, for giving me time to learn and explore, for letting me to get to know the most important person in my life -me.
It's such a crazy thing to say, but I would do it all over again, every single moment.
Because it made me feel alive.
Because it prepared me for everything that came after that.
Because I learned how to love and because I can do so all over again.
Because it helped me come back to me.
Sometimes you don't get over it, you just learn to live with it because you have no other choice. Because it's not your decision to make. Because it's not only up to you. Because...
And it gets better in time. At first you feel the pain each second, then after some time it switches to one minute, hour, day, week, month... Then it stops hurting. Or you simply become the pain.
Well, maybe there were more days like this one, but I don't have them recorded. What kind of day was it?
Hm, well... Right now I was searching through my old notebooks to find some english grammar lessons for a class that I am teaching and I found a notebook I forgot even existed. The notebook where I wrote down everything Robert and I wrote to each other. And well... Words slip away from me in this moment... Emotional is the only expression I can think of...
I am reading this now and... There was a day when he missed me. Well, actually, a day when he missed me and told me about that. So why do I believe he only missed me when he told me he did? Maybe that was the one time he actually didn't miss me! Why do we need words to be sure if what other people feel for us is true? Is it the distance? The physical absence of another? The impossibility of a hug in lonely nights? The fact that I can't just get dressed and walk to his home to see him when I miss him? The fact that I can't call just to say hi? And why can't I? Is it forbidden? Why do I always need a reason to call? Who said that there have to be rules?!
I read almost everything I wrote... The mails I sent him and the ones I didn't. And well, the ones that remained only in my notebook... They are deep, honest, emotional, dramatic, whining, depressing, sad, mad, desperate... They are everything I was in moments I wrote them. And... If I didn't know the person who wrote them I would probably wonder how did she survive those years. Actually, I do wonder how did she make it? Where did all the strength come from? Are we really destined to make it through everything life throws at us?
And why wasn't that enough for me? Why couldn't I just be happy with some beautiful days I spent with him? Why couldn't I just continue my life as if nothing has changed? Why did I have to build such high expectations? Why did I have to push the limits to scare him away? Why was I frightened by everything I felt? Why wasn't I strong enough to handle it on my own two feet? Why couldn't I live simply and let him simply live? Why was I thinking too much? And why am I doing so now?
So many mixed emotions... Ups and downs... Confusion and clarity... My life on the paper... Me in the ink... Days and nights of happiness, hope, fear, joy, anxiety, love... Years of love! Everything comes down to this one moment... Exactly this moment in which I feel... I feel calm.
Have I really let it all go? Am I free? And of what? I read somewhere that love alters, and I believe it does so. Did mine?
Surrounded by men who are completely different in their way of thinking and attitude towards life, yet all of them have something in common - they want me. Their wishes vary depending mostly on their relationship status and age. Some want a relationship, marriage, family while others offer dating, sex, fun...
And me? I feel like someone dropped me in that crowd and I just spin in circles trying to figure out if there might actually be one among them I would choose.
I see him standing alone, far away from the crowd. Handsome, not very pretty but beautiful, strong energy... If you get closer you can see the fire within those eyes. Just one deep look and you're hypnotized. It's just yet another moment in which I allow myself to admit that my love will hardly ever belong to someone else. None of the men in crowd carry that beauty within, none of them set my soul on fire, none of them inspire me to be better than the person I already am, none of them make me feel comfortable enough to take down the mask of an insensitive lady, none of them liberate me enough to take off my shoes and dance barefoot in the rain...
He is the one who will always stand out from the crowd.
He is the one I love.
And, as scared as it makes me, I resign myself to the fact that (in a way) I allways will. :)