Friday, December 27, 2013

Fake Proposals

This may sound a little weird, but... Men often propose to me. Marriage, I mean. Some do it just to be funny, some are serious, but they do it. Do I look like a marrying kind? Is that the first impression men get about me, that I want to get married? And now that I think of it, I go back to my past where everything began...

Yes, I know I said I won't be writing about Robert, but... There are no more hopes and dreams about him to share. This is just a story about fake proposals I've been getting ever since I met him, and he was the one who started them.

The image about moments spent with him is so clear now. I'm at this distant place with no hopes and feelings... Ok, well, maybe just a little bit of feelings. A lot! But nevermind... I am looking at that night from this distant place. I have been through it so many times... It's like I'm playing a silent movie over and over again. A movie where only one sentence can be heard "If I was here, if I lived here, I would marry you!"  All this time I was laughing at men who threw their proposals to me and I forgot about Robert's proposal. He was one of those who sound very serious while talking about marriage. He even created a cute little picture of love and harmony in life with his future wife, but of course he never said it would be me. And yet, he dared to say he would marry me.Why did it take me so long to realise that he condemned us to a failure before we even started? In his head we broke up before even going to a first date. Why couldn't I see it before? I was so shocked with "I would marry you" part that I didn't notice THE "If I was here".

Some days ago I asked a friend if men propose to me because I look like a girl whose only goal in life is to get married. He said: "No! They just want to get laid and think the easiest way to do that is to promise you a life together." And you know what the sad part is? He is absolutely right! All the proposals I got so far, funny or serious, had one thing in common - they were fake!

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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Where I Stop

Feeling is I came to the end of the road.

I don't know how to explain this and I am not even sure I want to.
This just doesn't make me feel good anymore. Not writing itself, no! Writing is like the air I'm breathing. But writing about him and about what I feel and what I want... Sharing my doubts and fears, my pleasures and joys awakened by him... Sharing my hopes and dreams... It's not going to work anymore.

You're wondering how I feel about this? Well, I am wondering if I feel about this at all...

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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

No Expression

I asked him the other day how does he feel and how his heart is and he told me I should ask him that in new year because he actually doesn't know how he feels... My first thought was that it can't be, but the more I thought about it the more I realised I myself didn't know how I felt.

I read my posts I wrote while in Germany and when I came back... I thought about everything that happened there... I went through every word, every face expression, everything... And I realised that I was only the observer. I took this passive role and let my life happen before my very eyes. I froze myself out there! Do you know that he even thinks I don't know how to express my feelings!? And I'm not talking about my feelings for him, but for everything. One night we went bowling and it was my first time ever. I was bad like all beginners, but as game went on I became a bit better. And each time I had a good hit he would cheer more than me and say "Oh, please, don't be so happy!" And I am actually a person who expresses happiness with jumping around the street and laughing outloud by herself, a person who runs around the house when feeling excited! But somehow I failed to show it...I am a person, not a faceless thing.

Now I sit here and wonder how and why... And what the hell?!

First person I visited when I came back was my sister. The moment I entered her apartment she asked me "So, how was it? Have you resolved your issues?" I was like "Sure! You know, nothing happened but I'm good everything is fine." And I told her the story... Every little detail... And then she looked at me, started laughing and said "Oh my God, you haven't resolved anything! You came back here being in love with him even more than before!"

So... After thinking everything through - AGAIN, I might say that my current state could be called confusion. And I also might stop thinking through and start feeling through.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Falling Together

I unpacked my suitcase few days ago. When unpacking it, I found this little silver star. The moust beautiful decoration for Christmas tree I have ever seen. I bought one for every important person in my life... I like giving people small things that will remind them of me, I prefer presents to have emotional value.

Have I finally arrived when I unpacked? No. It took a bit more than that...
It took one night out to realise I was home. It took a few drunk men with shallow perception of my personality. I am a waitress, you know, and here in my country most people feel like they have some kind of unspoken and unwritten right to treat me as they please. There was this one guy who wanted to kiss me and I rejected him. He asked why did I do it and I replied that I didn't want it. The next question was if I had a boyfriend and my answer was negative which lead to him being surprised with the fact that I rejected him and I don't even have a boyfriend. How can it be!? Really? I mean, really!? Eventualy I told him I don't like him and it's not going to happen. And he said all I have to do is give him a chance because I don't even know him. Every man says the same thing, that I have to try in order to know. And how to explain them I don't feel like trying?

Later, I had a sleep over at my friend's. We slept in same bed and nothing happened. We are still just friends. Having this experience leads me back to days spent in Germany. Before I arrived there R made a list of rules by which we were supposed not to kiss, not to touch and not to have sex... The idea was to see that we can be just friends. I told him it is impossible and that I will never see him as just a friend. So he changed his rules to something like limitless possibilities.

We spent four nights sleeping in same bed and nothing happened anyway, but that still doesn't define us as friends. And now I realise that only thing that makes difference between last night sleepover and days I spent with R is the fact that with R I felt so safe, so protected and so free. And I don't know his reasons for acting like friends... In fact, all I can do is choose to believe in brighter side of the story. I think this kind of believing is called hope. I choose to believe that he was just being a gentleman because... Well, he is a perfectionist and he made it clear that there is no room for girlfriend in his life now, that he would feel bad being in a relationship and not being able to give the best of himself into it. So I just believe that he chose nothing over something because he hopes someday he will have everything. I chose to believe...Maybe I am wrong... And if so, I just hope he cares about me enough not to keep me in his life because "just friends" brings a lot of joy but hurts even more.


Time... I'm not sure I have some more spare years to just hang around.

I recently read this quote:

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.” 

I've been making roundtrips from my past to my future to finally arrive to my present. I am at peace. I have my faith to keep me going.



Thursday, November 28, 2013

Falling Apart

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that my blog is depressive. Well, I think it's just her point of view but maybe I am the one who is wrong... Anyway, she said I should change something, write about happy stuff. My answer was that I can't do it because I don't feel like that. And that is only half the truth. Sure I can do it! I can find a million of reasons to be happy for, I can extract only the good moments from my trip. I can trick my mind in so many different ways and make it believe everything is just fine. But my heart... Tricking it wouldn't be a very wise choice. I think I need to let myself fall apart so I can take the pieces and put them together again.


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Somewhere In Between

Well, it's been already a week since I came back from Germany... Ever since I got here I've been wanting to blog about it, but every time I try, words fail. I light some candles in my room because atmosphere like that inspires me a lot, but still nothing... I play emotional music and it doesn't help. I walk across my room, go to the window and look at raindrops slowly flow down the cold glass. I can feel the chill going through my body... Slightly scared by the fact that feelings, emotions and thoughts pile up inside and I can't let them out. I go back to my desk and stare at this empty screen... I take a deep breath followed by a long sigh, my eyes wonder to the left and end up on a suitacse that is still unpacked... Everything is inside as if I am about to travel again. ˝There is an answer...˝ I whisper. I haven't arrived yet. I'm locked somewhere between here and there wondering which way to go...


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The Wall

I built a really high wall around me that I wasn't even aware I was building. I want to bring it down, but it is so strong. Wherever I hit I can't even make a crack. I am looking to find a tiny hole somewhere, a little error I made while building it up... But no. There isn't any! And the longer I look the more I realize my wall is made of fear. It's kinda ironic because all of this time I was afraid that I may not see him again, and now that I am next to him it's the nearness that makes me scared. I can't help but wonder why does this happen... Why can't I just go with the flow? Am I that weak? Really?

Feels like my soul is running towards him, but my body is running away... Could this be yet another fight between my mind and my heart? I am so tired of those.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

That I Would Be Good

29.10.2011.

I woke up feeling like millions of butterflies were fluttering in my stomach, excited by the thought this is the last day of his visit. Tomorrow he will be gone...
Hours passed as I was waiting for a call from my sister to tell me I can come over. I finally arrived there to find out that he is still asleep. Minutes seemed like eternity. And finally I heard footsteps through the hall and water pouring in bathroom. I knew that I will see him in no time and my heart started beating faster, my palms were sweating, I felt like I'm running out of air... But no, he stayed in shower for an hour. Sixty minutes of agony for me. And at last, he entered a room looking at me with those confused brown eyes and wearing his wonderful smile, he started stammering and said "You look beautiful!" And from that moment on we didn't stop talking to each other... While we had coffe, during dinner, when we went out, on our way home... It's so strange that I remember every moment and every word, the way he looked at me like no one before and no one after him...


29.10.2013.

Minutes and hours of time spent with him turned into months and years of waiting to meet him again. I have described those moments so many times that I can't think of anything new to say. The feeling is always the same, a cup full of emptiness sprinkled with a dash of hope. It's all I have. And now when I am days away from meeting him I'm scared. I'm not scared of him or things that will happen. I'm scared of coming back to a life without him... And I have no other option but to fully enjoy time with him and believe that I would be good...

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Never Again

Never Again
(by Miroslav Antic)

Never,
Never again will I be able
to exchange myself, like this, for small change
without asking anything in return.

All of a sudden,
I’m a wobbly stairway
over which spinal cord, in herd
from the scull
to soles,
is mooing and falling headfirst.

All of a sudden,
I’m so terribly old,
old with the paws that are reaching out for
someone
and screaming.

All of a sudden,
I’m so terribly funny
like a traveling theatre.
And disgraced
Like a monastery after rape and robbery.

*translated from serbian to english by www.lyricstranslations.com

Friday, October 18, 2013

Reaching out

Two weeks left before I leave for a journey of my life... A bit more and I will step out to the path my heart has long paved. How do I feel? I don't know... I try not to think about it at all because I become restless and impatient.
My ticket is booked for 31.10. the exact same date he left Serbia two years ago. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidences.
It is magical, every moment of every day since we agreed on my visit. It feels like I'm touching a big soft transparent bubble that is wrapped around my dream. It's like standing outside and watching a whole new world being created inside. My imagination has spread its wings like never before.
I dream about that first gaze into his warm eyes, about reaching out my hands and feeling the touch of his fingertips on mine... I dream about wrapping my arms around him and plunging my face into his neck... Then take a deep breath and inhale the freshness of new moments never to exhale it again.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Paulo Coelho About Love

                “One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” 

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” 

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.” 

“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.” 

“This is what we call love. When you are loved, you can do anything in creation. When you are loved, there's no need at all to understand what's happening, because everything happens within you.” 

“When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.” 

“After all, what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love doesn't bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it's a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it's sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we're doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.” 

“Certain things in life simply have to be experienced -and never explained. Love is such a thing.” 

“Love is like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You’re not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he’s not there, you feel like an addict who can’t get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you’re willing to do anything for love.” 

“Love is not a habit, a commitment, or a debt. It isn't what romantic songs tell us it is - love simply is.” 

“All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.” 

“But love is much like a dam; if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current.”  

“To love is to lose control.” 


 
 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Touch Of Silk

Tender, pure, soft, warm and somehow unreal. A touch most of us can just dream about... You think you can get that kind of touch only with someone whom you share deep feelings with. So you dream about that profound love that will move all of your senses, you dream about the person who will make you feel with every piece of your heart, soul, mind and body. And you wait, wondering if it will ever happen to you... You live for that precious moment of magic with that special person.

But life is tricky and full of surprises. It always gives you what you want, just not in the way you want it. It makes you break the rules, it makes you stop thinking, and it makes you trade months of waiting for magical for something purely physical. Animal instinct... But you go for it. Just this one time! You expect a night full of somewhat wild, non-emotional pleasure, and you get... You get that magic you always dreamed about... Smooth joy to raise you above the reality and moments of calmness to take you back to the ordinary.

Then he takes you home and tells you not to overthink... The words remind you of  that special someone who used to be part of your biggest dream and you know you will do nothing but think. Wake up the next day and ask yourself  "Can someone really do this without having any feelings at all?" And you know the answer is "No." Well, at least the feelingless one
is not you.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Pieces

Our worlds are all made of pieces. Big, small, old, new, round, squared, wrinkled, shiny... They come in all colors, shapes and materials you can think of. Sometimes it's hard to imagine how can all of them hold together and make such a perfect unity called life.

I think it's all in the way we act. We are the ones who put it all together with everything we do or don't do, with the way we choose to respond to what happens in our lives, with everything we say, everything we feel... We make it work just the way we want to. It comforts me to know this because every time my world breaks into pieces, I am aware it was never a whole, just a bunch of pieces I myself put together. And if I could do it once, I can do it again.

Every major event in our lives changes our worlds by adding pieces or taking them away. I am talking about pleasant events, of course. Ones that are not pleasant are the ones that break our worlds... death, break-up, separation, loss... They will always affect us that way. What we need to know is that we can just simply take the pieces and put them back together. In the process, some pieces will be thrown away, but new ones will replace them along the road. And that is the reason why this life is so magical. You can rebuild it over and over again!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Anywhere

I have this little list I call "To visit list" and it contains many places: big cities, villages of foreign countries, seas, lakes, mountains... Of course it also contains many places from my homeland. All beautiful places I run into while surfing the web. Yesterday someone asked me if I've ever been to a certain lake in my country and I said "No, but it's on my list." And well, since that someone occupies my mind very much lately, I woke up thinking about that question. I took my list to go through it just to remind myself of all the places I wish to see. I was thinking of reasons why I put those places on my list, and it turned out I had the same reason for each one...

As I thought about visiting those places, I always imagined having someone by my side to share that experience with me. Someone to take funny pictures with in front of Eiffel tower, Pyramids, Stonehenge... Someone to experience nightlife of all big cities in the world... But also someone who will hold my hand as we walk in beautiful green forests of Ireland, someone to be silent with while drinking some fine wine and enjoying stunning sunsets of Santorini, someone to hug me during our morning walk along the coasts of Portugal, France, Spain... Someone who will belong to me and whom I will belong to.

Do I have the favorite place on my list? Yes, I do! It's called - Anywhere, as long as I don't travel alone.

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Respect Or Love?

What is more important? To love someone or to respect someone? A friend told me that both of these have their advantages, but that nothing is worth if there is no "spark".



Well... I don't know if I agree on this one. I think there can be no love without respect. My opinion is that love alters through years. Some of you may disagree with it, but the truth is that everything alters - people, cuircumstances, world... So if the person you love alters in some way that you don't like you'll just turn around and walk away if you have no respect for them. But if there is respect for that person, for time spent with them, you'll have enough strength to stay and fight to make it through together. And in the end, if you have respect for yourself you'll treasure everything you have.

Bond between love and respect is unbreakable.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Why?

When little, we cry every day when dear people leave us because we're afraid they won't come back. But they always do. So, how come we never get used to it? Why do we never feel calm knowing that, when dear people leave, they will surely come back one day? Why does it always hurt and scare us?

Monday, May 27, 2013

Crossroads



Changes, big decisions and small ones... Confusion... Feelings... You can find them on the crossroad.

My sister told me "For everything you lost, you got something new. For everything you got, you lost something else. Everything depends on your point of view."

Clarity... Doesn't exist in crossroads.

This crossroad... I've never been in one like this. Choosing between heart and heart... Between hope that some dreams might still come true and possibility to create new dreams, maybe even more beautiful.

I once read somewhere that when you can't decide what to do, you should flip a coin. Not because the coin will choose for you but because, in that split second,  you will know which side you want it to fall on.

Should I flip one?


Saturday, May 25, 2013

Half Of Me





One half of me is long gone, with you...
The other one stayed here, with me.
But it is so different.
It spent all this time searching for a lost piece
that it ended in completely changing itself.
And now it is standing barefoot in front of the door of my soul,
but I am afraid to let it in.
I am scared of getting to know
a person I once used to be.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Fun & Freedom


This thing is all over social networks. People like it, share it, pin it, tweet... It's spreading like a virus!
                   "I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom."

Are you really?! Does everything really come to this?! Do people really think that the only way to have fun and be free is to be single? Well, if having fun means having non-emotional one-night purely physical sex every once in a while and with different person every time then one must be single to have fun like that. If freedom is to go out, get wasted and have noone by your side to tell you how wrong it is then - yes, you need to be single to be free. And if you think like this you should stay single forever!

But let me ask you something... Did you ever get wasted and had someone by your side to take you home and cure your hangover the next day and maybe even the day after that? Or did you ever do this for someone special and then tease them about it later?

When was the last time you made love to someone with all kinds of emotions and feelings involved? Actually, did you ever do that? Making love is so much more than just having an intercourse, it's more than just connecting two bodies in some physical game. Have you ever got to know the feeling of completely connecting with someone who loves and respects you as a whole? Someone who cares about every piece of you, about your mind, body and soul... Someone who completes you in every way... If you have, SINGLE is the last thing you want to be because being single is just a shallow way of knowing the real meaning of fun and freedom.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Cheating On...

I was playing with my glass of wine while I talked to him. We were having some casual conversation about love, relationships, cheating... I mentioned that I really hate lies and  told him that, in my way of thinking, cheating doesn't always have to be physical, and that the worst way of cheating someone is being in a relationship with them while loving someone else. Then he asked "Do you love someone?". I looked down at my glass and said "No." and that very moment I felt strong bolts of pain going through my chest... I couldn't stop the sigh coming out of me.

Yes, I lied and yes, I cheated. Even now I can't really explain why... Was I trying not to hurt his feelings?  I knew I meant everything to him. I could tell that by the way he looked at me and how he touched my face while talking to me. I knew that because I know very well how you treat someone who means everything to you. You forgive then for not calling, not wriing... You forgive small mistakes and big ones just to have them around. But you hurt... Love like that hurts... So it felt good to mean something to someone, but at the same time it felt bad because he was just an escape from my reality. That night I became even more lost in my pain, my madness. It got much worse than it ever was! It went far beyond the point of breaking. I felt worthless. I was doing two things I hated the most. But why?! I am not a liar or a cheater! I don't hurt others to make myself feel better. But then again, I was hurting him and it resulted in hurting myself even more.

It is somehow scary that a person can be so hurt to get to the point of chosing a life in illusion instead of facing the pain. To become weak and let your mind play games with you. In some moments I actually believed that man can be the one to stand by me for the rest of my life. Those moments exactly gave me the strong will to forget about my love, to do whatever it takes not to come in that lying/cheating position again.  And it was good... Everything was fine until one day I faced the scary truth that heart is not to be ordered to. And I let him go.

I was alone and lonely. I still am. Very lonely... And I can't make the feeling go away. But I had much time to think everything through and... I was weak, I was desperate, I was broken-hearted and much more... Now I am strong, but I still carry that love around with me.

In the end I got to a conclusion that the only person I cheated on was me.



Sunday, May 19, 2013

Dancing In The Rain


“You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shelter when it is shining. You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your windows. So that's why I'm scared when you say you love me.”

― Bob Marley

Is this true or not? I often think about it. I love rain and I don't always use an umbrella to walk under. If it's raining lightly, I walk slowly in the rain and fully enjoy the feeling of raindrops falling on my face, like a dozen of kisses covering it. If it's rainig a bit harder I usually run in the rain. But if it pours really hard, I walk or run under my umbrella. Although, I do remember one year I danced barefoot in summer downpour. I was spinning with my arms open wide, eyes closed and face up to the sky. I loved that moment of pure joy and happiness.

I think it's the same when you love someone. You can handle walking or running in the light rain, but when the storm comes you need a guard. Isn't it sad that things can get so heavy you need an umbrella? And it can go like that few times, but then you just get tired of bad weather and never leave home. You spend days, months, years, even decades hiding from the storm hoping you will find that one person who will dance with you in the rain.


Friday, May 17, 2013

Easy To Express

I've been thinking a lot these days... Well, I always think a lot. Anyway, I am in this period of re-evaluating goals that I have in my life. Actually, I lost a dream that was connected to almost every plan or goal I had, and now I have to do it all over again. Oh, I have dreams, ok, but this one was the dream, the one that is hard and very unlikely to become true, the one that occupies your mind and makes you think about and do things you could never imagine you'd do. That dream inspired me to live my life to the fullest, and now it is gone...

So I am thinking how true it is that happiness is a journey, not a destination... And how easy it is to express happiness, but it's not that easy to describe it. On the other side, the sadness, pain, suffering, misery... Books have been written about it. Why is that? I want to learn to describe happiness. Well, it might be somehow hard to do that right now because I am in my sad place. Later maybe? I will be in the mad road, and then after that comes the path of indifference. Oh, I love that one. After that I'll go for another lap of pain and then I'm done. After all those places, paths, laps and roads I'll get to my happy place just to realise that I have to start my journey again, but with someone else.

We all have different ways of dealing with pain. If I would deal with it by writing, then I could write a book. But I don't want to, I'm trying really hard not to do that. So I might start writing again when I learn to describe hapiness with more than "I am happy!"

Saturday, May 11, 2013

When I Get Sad...

I stop being sad and be awesome instead! Well, not me. I do try to look at the bright side, but I don't like artificial happiness. It's scary... Artificial happiness is just a good mask your sorrow wears.

I might be having problem with not being able to cry, but I don't have a problem with being sad. Here's what I do when I get sad... I eat chocolate, lots of it... Well, I generally eat a lot when I'm sad. It usually lasts for days. I listen to emotional music, I watch sad movies. I do all of it in order to start crying which never happens. Then I get mad at myself for not being able to change that. And when madness is gone, I feel sad again. So I just listen to sad music and let the pain owerwhelm me until the point when it stops hurting.. Then I look deep into my heart and try to find a piece of hope, that tiny little thing to get me moving, the particle of life that gives me courage and strength to make it through... And I win, every time.

I really win! I don't feed my pain with fake positive thoughts. If I did that, my pain would come back someday, totally unexpected and much more stronger. I think people who avoid feeling  pain and sadness are being somehow dishonest with themselves. I don't look for the bright spot in the black day. You know why? Because I allow myself to have feelings. I allow myself to have a bad day sometimes, to be in a mess, to be in my dark place. I allow that to myself because keeping balance between good and bad things is what makes me feel. This life is beautiful with all ups and downs, with black and colored days, with sadness and happiness... Life is beautiful if you allow yourself to feel it.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Forgiveness

Did you know I have a crying problem? Yeah, I can't cry. Even when the hurricane of pain tears apart my chests, I just can't. I cry after the storm is over, when the first sun beam touches my face, when I feel relief. It bothers me sometimes because there are days when I really need to release the pressure through my tears. Days like one I had yesterday...

I went to a funeral. Have you ever been to a funeral? I hope you haven't. Do you know what it's like? It's sad, depressing... And if the closest family of the decedent is a person you care about very much, then it hurts you and it breaks you into pieces, makes you feel helpless because you know there is NOTHING you can do. You know that there is a person who expects you to give some words and acts of comfort, person who needs you in order to get better. It's like just standing at the shore and watch a sinking ship.Nothing to say, nothing to do, noone to ask for help... There was a sister who lost sister, husband lost his wife, son lost his mother and, what got me the most, daughter lost a mother. I am a mother and a daughter so I will be in that position one day and so will my daughter. I don't want to sink when my mother dies, and I sure don't want my daughter to sink when I die. That is how I was sure her mother wouldn't want her to get lost in life facing this loss. This made me realise I do have something to say, I do have words and acts of comfort. I gave her a hug... A long, warm hug, and lots of words to help her soul heal. I watched her the whole time, just trying to see a sparkle of hope in her eyes... She looked same as me when I lost my granny... That is how I know she will go through a lot of pain, but she will be better in time... And, even though I felt as my heart was breaking, I couldn't cry...

I read something interesting my facebook friend posted few days ago. She wrote: "That's the way it goes... First you forgive someone for something and then you forgive yourslef for forgiving him. Like a vaccine. At first, you get a small dose, very small, how much your body can handle. And then all of a sudden, you become immune to the worst. You don't even notice when you became another person and how some viruses don't affect you anymore... Like some part of you, gentle and sensitive, dissappeared forever..." Maybe that's it... Maybe that is the reason I can't cry anymore. But I do hope my tears aren't lost forever.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Mornings

When was the last time you did this? The last time you shared that magic of new day's birth with somebody else. Do you wake up easily and push the day, rush into it? Or is your wakig difficult, you barely open your eyes before you drink your coffee and you let the day pushes you? Either way... Are you alone when you do it?

My mornings are the loneliest part of the day... I don't like to talk when I wake up, I don't like to think before I finish my coffee... But I would like to have someone to share the silence.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Feel The Grief

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life... It's loss... It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad... The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn in on a dime...

That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive... By remembering that one day, somehow... Impossibly... It won't feel this way, it won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the worst part of grief , is that you can't control it. The best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes... And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again... And always, every time... It takes your breath away.

*this text is taken from one of my favorite TV shows "Grey's Anatomy" season 6, episode 2

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Mahatma Gandhi about Love

“Love never claims, it ever gives. Love ever suffers, never resents never revenges itself.”

“Where there is love there is life.” 
 “To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.”  
“The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace.” 
“Love is the strongest force the world possesses and yet it is the humblest imaginable.” 
“I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings.” 
“In doing something, do it with love or never do it at all.” 
“To call woman the weaker sex is a libel; it is man's injustice to woman. If by strength is meant brute strength, then, indeed, is woman less brute than man. If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man's superior. Has she not greater intuition, is she not more self-sacrificing, has she not greater powers of endurance, has she not greater courage? Without her, man could not be. If nonviolence is the law of our being, the future is with woman. Who can make a more effective appeal to the heart than woman?” 

 
 
 
 
 

Friday, May 3, 2013

Glimpse Of Hope

Have you ever been in that moment I talked about in my last blog post? Hopeless, weak, giving up the fight, surrendering... The moment when you don't see the point any more. You realise how fragile you are and how little it takes sometimes for you to break down. And then a well known glimpse of hope appears! It gives you new strenght and will so strong you can go through it all over again. It colors your life to make it a happy place and opens up a whole new world for you... A world of dreams. But those are not just any dreams. Those are the dreams that make your heart beat faster and inspire you to dream more and more and more...
The best part of it is that it gives you the feeling all of your dreams will come true!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Hope... Less...

I've had many hopeless days in my life, but this one seems to be the hardest...

I live in my dreams everyday. I float in them and fly high above the sky, somewhere over the rainbow. It is magical. And then I come to the day like this one to face my reality... I become a whole other person. No dreams, no hopes, just the realistic part of me facing the cruelty of this life. I'm closing my eyes before the painful truth, I am running away from things I cannot do and foolishly believe I will do them someday. But I can't make it alone. It takes two to succeede.

I often think I should go there, just to see him. One minute would be enoughh to know everything I've been wondering about for all this time... I missed many chances to go, I don't even know how many times I have packed and unpacked my suitcase... Why? Because I'm scared.. I'm not scared of facing the truth, I'm just scared of facing the life after that...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcl5fnHw-CQ


Friday, April 26, 2013

Find me

Play this.
Take a deep breath and close your eyes... After it's finished, open them.


Tell me... Did you feel me? I know you thought of me since I am the one writing this so it kinda makes sense. But... Did you feel me? Did you manage to close your eyes and open your heart and really find me there? Is there a moment in your day when you think of me? Just like that, for no reason... In the night when you close your eyes and let your thoughts wonder... Do they ever end up with me? Do they ever lead you to that night... The night when you looked at me as if I was some kind of miracle... Evey time I go back there I feel like time stops and world stops spinning and there's only the moment... Your eyes wide open staring at me with amazement, silence of the night broken by your heartbeat... I don't have words to describe how I feel every time I end up there... It makes me... I just want more memories to make me speechless. Do you?

"But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart."

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Maybe...


"Amazing how life can suddenly fascinate you with it's sense, but aswell can take you down from that pedestal you thought you'll never come off. And in vain all the suffering and useless pain when you realise that, actually, you have noone to suffer for. Nothing is worth your solitude and angry restlessness which breaks all your inner senses. And noone is worthy to take you away the right to happiness you get when you're born. To carry on with your head up high is the real cure to calm all the tempest of your past turbulent life. Wipe out black stains like you wipe befogged glass with your hand, maybe you'll catch a ray of light or a more beautiful world through them. Just for a moment, inhale the fresh air of pure universe, feel peace in your soul and joy in your heart because, we don't have a lot of time "here and now" to make long breaks while waiting for the pain to soothe and for particles of happiness to rise out of silky dust. Sometimes we have to rely on ourselves and move from the point of stopping. Maybe, after all, somewhere out there exists the voice of a man whom you'd be happy to break your silence with."

A friend wrote this for me last year, the end of March, begining of April. I read it these days and realised how far I've come in just one year. I hope you all have strength and courage to live your life the way you want it and to be the best version of yourself.

. :)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

My Brightest Star

For more than a year now, I've been thinking about death and the way it affects our lives... Totally wrong! We spend our lives scared of death. But why? Instead of enjoying every moment with dear people, we live in fear they won't be here some day. Well, of course they won't be here, it is natural thing. One person dies, another one is born. So simple!

I have a three year old daughter and the only thing I would really like to teach her is to appreciate life as it is - a miraculous gift I gave her. To live with all ups and downs, in harmony with her soul. Every day spent with her takes me back to my childhood. Some memories are nice, some are not. But I remember well all the things that I wanted to have, but never got. For example, an afternoon walk with my parents and my brother or a sunday picnic with them. I don't remember any of that. We did things together, but those were visits to our family in another town or some birthdays, weddings or other celebrations. For me, it wasn't good enough. I just never payed attention to it.

I was taught to want it all. Big house, fancy clothes, expensive car... Want it all and never care about the way I get it. So shallow. Luckily, I had a great piano teacher who taught me so much about life, much more than about music. I can say it was the best way my parents ever invested their money. Also my english teacher in high school. She was the only teacher who cared what kind of people all of us will become, what is it that she is sending out to the world. Thank them both for everything they taught me.

So, in one of my thinkings about death, it crossed my mind... I am almost thirty years old and I have nothing. No house, no car, no designer clothes... And I don't even have a decent job. Strong reasons to begin feeling desperate, but once again - NO! See, the person I loved the most (before I got my daughter) died several years ago. My granny. Yesterday, I was cleaning up closets and throwing away stuff my mother's been saving for many, many years... And I found a big bag full of my granny's clothes. She didn't take any of it with her. :) My granny was poor and happy. She made best dishes I ever tasted although many of them lacked some ingredients. She had the softest hands that ever touched my face (except my daughter's). She had only one pen and one notebook that I could play with. Only thing she knew to draw was a goose, but I always made her draw it for me again and again and again. She couldn't read fluently so I was always reading poems to her before we fall asleep. She didn't have a TV so I often listened to clock ticking to fall asleep. She didn't have many of the things people now can't imagine their life without, but she had one thing many people now don't have - a heart filled with purest, kindest and truest love for life and people and everything that surrounded her!

She is the person who taught me that love is the only thing that counts.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Shout it out!

I am a mother, a housekeeper, a sales woman, a writer (well, at least I'm trying), philosopher (and a good one), the most realistic person and the biggest dreamer you've ever seen in your life. Hour by hour, day by day, I get to do so many different things with exactly the same passion. I call it "passion for life"! And I love it!

I love my life, I love the way I live it, I love who I am, who I want to be and who I will become! I love my family, I love all the people who surround me. I am grateful for every person I met in my life. I am grateful for every experience I've been through. I appreciate all the bad things that happened because they were the most important lessons I learned in my life.

I love rain, snow and sun! I love water and air... Grass, trees, leaves, lakes, mountains, seas, sky, cities, villages... I love the earth I walk on!

I love evrything that surrounds me, I love the beauty of it, because beauty is all I can see!

I just had to shout it out!

Have a great day, month, year, decade, life!

LIVE!!!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Letting Out

I've been trying to write something for days now. And I write half of the story, then I delete it. I have a daily reader from Germany, and I always think it might be him. I begin to feel like he is reading this and my thoughts go wild. I write one sentence, then read it thousand times and then delete it... And it goes like that over and over again.

It's not like he doesn't know about my feelings for him. He knows. I just get this feeling that my love becomes somehow shabby after constantly talking about it. Sometimes I think it might be the story people get bored of. You know... Platonic love, nothing happens between us... I miss him, he misses me not... And stuff like that. I just go around and around and talk about those moments of most intense emotions I felt in my entire life.  I've noticed that some people fall in love with my love, some people are mad at him, some are mad at me... And it is strange how the story of an unknown woman can touch people in so many different ways. But sometimes it seems like it is too much...Too much of what? Of love? Would my love be greater if I keep quiet about it? Would it be greater if I let our next encounter happens in nursery home? Should I spend my entire life alone to make someone believe my love is true? Should I visit a psychiatrist to get proof that I am not crazy? What is there to do to prevent this love of becoming a heavy burden on his soul?

I never wanted him to have any hard feelings about this. I just want him to be happy. Honestly! With or without me, just to be happy with his life and choices he makes.

And here I am again, wondering if everything I wrote sounds stupid, or exggerated, or pathetic... Honestly? I don't think I care, the point is to let it all out. So I am doing it!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Defeated

"I crawled under her skin, quietly, with steps of a thief I entered her dream and stayed there. Trapped between her pride and my desire. Her irrepressible defiance and my egoism. The more I ran, the more I wanted her. The more she came back, the more I pushed her away. We played a game in which neither of us showed emotions. And neither of us lost, but we both came out of the battle defeated..."

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Looking Back


Looking back... Always looking back. Seems to me I will never stop. Or maybe I will some day, the day when us won't be just in my dreams. It's unbelievable! I rember every minute of every hour of every day we spent together. I remember your words, your smiles, you touches, kisses... I can still feel your breath on my cheeks, your fingers in my hair... I remember everything.

Sometimes it feels like you went away just few hours ago. I often imagine you left on a business trip and you will be back soon. That soon lasts more than a year. Time... A friend or an enemy? Friendly enemy. I don't know, I think everything happens at it's time.

You know, every day when I wake up, I go to my kitchen to make myself some coffe and, as I enter, it's like some kind of magic unfolds. I can see you there, sitting in the same place, looking at me... And I can see myself doing the same for the rest of my life, spending mornings with you in our kitchen, preparing coffee or tea and breakfast for us. Then I ask myself "How can this be?" It's been over a year and I still think of you every day. I see you in things I do and imagine us doing them together. I live with you in my mind and we have a great life. When rational me looks at this, she says "It was just one night, few kisses, words of a drunk man... Let it go!" And when emotional me looks at this, she says "It was everything! Never let it go!"

I often think that I might find another you someday, but... People say breathtaking love happens only once in a lifetime. To meet such person as you are and to feel what I felt with you... I think it would be selfish to expect it to happen to me again in this life.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

His Eyes


...Every time he asked "Do you love me?" I would wonder through my thoughts, look more through him than at him and say "I love your eyes, they are beautiful."

Of cousre he knew I don't love him. If I did, he wouldn't have to ask, he'd simply know that. But... I kinda liked spending time with him. He was funny, interesting... He cared, that was what I liked most. I don't know how would I call that what was going on between the two of us. Friends with benefits? Maybe, although I pretty much hate the expression. Anyway, that thing that was happening was going along just fine. And then, one warm summer night... You came back.

No, you didn't fly or drive a thousand miles as I sometimes dreamed you would. You just came back to my virtual, social networking world. And as I was looking at some pictures you posted, I came across one that really drew my attention. There was something special about it... Your eyes... I looked at them so long I forgot about the world around me. That look of yours, it was something magical... It was the first thing that caught my eye when I met you.

And all of a sudden, my heart skipped a beat, my palms got wet... My breathing became faster as I realised his eyes unbelievably resembled at yours. I got scared by the thought that only thing I really loved about him was just a tiny piece of you...

P.S.


So far... In this bruised night my thoughts of you spill like pearls of a broken necklace and roll under my pillow, waiting for me to fall asleep so they can conquer my mind again. It's like that every time.  I try to scare them away, but they won't leave me alone. I am a prisoner of my solitude, very well kept by guards who speak with echo of your voice and your words that stayed trapped in this dungeon of nothingness. It's really dark in here, but I am not afraid. I am just scared that I might get used to this darkness. These shutters of obstacles just won't let the sun go in. Maybe just some tiny rays every once in a while. I hear voices everywhere, calling me, haunting me... I am so cold, my body is shaking. I am in desperate need for something to warm me up. I can't take their love, it would be like trying to get warm in a castle of ice. I don't need that... I need to bathe in sunshine of your love.

P.S. I miss you so....

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Loneliness

You can have all the wisdom of the world, all the answers to every question ever asked... You can be free with your spirit, mind and body. You can have a wonderful life, great people surrounding you. You can smile, laugh and be happy with little things, pleasant moments, dear people... But it's all worth nothing when you go home and lay in an empty, cold bed. You're so cold your bones freeze and the silence is so loud you must cover your ears not to hear it.

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Prove Me Right!


When I look back to my previous relationships I can say that all of them ended in exactly the same way. See, I am a very patient, tolerant and understanding person. I am always trying to see only good in people. You know... It's easy to look for flaws, it's easy to blame someone for something they did. Harder part is understanding their reasons, talking, solving a problem.

In all of my relationships, I was the one who always took care of solving problems, the one who was always ready to talk things through... I almost never had a fight with my partners, I hardly ever yelled at them. I strongly believe you can make people understand something without yelling at them. When I think more carefully, each relationship I was in had just one fight in which I yelled at my partner. It was usually the point when all the borders of my tolerance are more than crossed. After those fights, my partners would become angels, most kind and most loving people in this planet. So I don't know why do I still believe that a nice, civilised conversation can solve the problem.

Anyway, with or without yelling, there was just one thing that I simply couldn't stand. A lie! Small, big, intentional, unintenional... LIE! All of my relationships ended because my partners lied to me, or cheated on me which is the same. All of them were ended peacefully. I never told them I knew about their lies or affairs. They believe I left them because I stopped loving them. Yes, it might sound a bit rough or evil, but... I just didn't know any better than that. I simply didn't want to go through that phase when they would try to get me back and say even more lies in the process.

In some cases it was hard, in others it wasn't. But I never tried to go back... And then, there was always "the 6 months phase". Why 6 months? Average time each of them needed to gain courage and try to talk to me. Mostly, they were wondering how is it possible that I ended it just like that and never called. I guess they thought that woman who hates fighting doesn't have an attitude. Or maybe they were just so sure that I am so understanding that I would be able to understand a lie? I can't really tell... All I know is that forgetting someone isn't a matter of time and circumstances. It is a matter of decision!

All the fairytales gone bad... Now I want just an ordinary story... Two people living together, arguing through joking and teasing each other about the most unimportant things in this world. Is it possible? I believe it is. Even with everything that I've been through, I still believe that there is that one person who can understand what I want even when I don't yell, person who would appreciate my efforts, love me for who I am without asking me to change... Person who would respect me enough to leave me instead of cheating on me.

Do you exist somewhere out there? Have I already met you or I am about to? Whichever the case may be, I think you should hurry to cross my road. Make me stop and see the world with you by my side. Prove that all these years of waiting for you were worth it. Prove that life can be more beautiful than it already is. Prove me right!

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Saturday, March 30, 2013

Plato about love

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”

“Love is a serious mental disease.”  
“The madness of love is the greatest of heaven's blessings” 
“Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge. ” 
 “According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” 
“Love is simply the name for the desire and the pursuit of the whole.” 
“You're my Star, a stargazer too, and I wish that I were Heaven, with a billion eyes to look at you!”  
“...and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment...” 
“…if a man can be properly said to love something, it must be clear that he feels affection for it as a whole, and does not love part of it to the exclusion of the rest.” 
 “Then the lover, who is true and no counterfeit, must of necessity be loved by his love.” 
“There is no such thing as a lover's oath. ” 

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About holidays

Ever since I met him, I think about the day I'll see him again. And every holiday I think "He might come now!" I hope he'll come evry day, but on holidays I get that little extra hope. I know every single non working day in his country and on each day I just think about the possibility to get a knock on the door and see his face when I open.When I look back, on every holiday I'd get all dressed up and now I know I did it because of him, because of my imagined possibility that he will come. New Year's, Christmas days, Valentine's, Easter days, Labour days, Days of unity... Many of them passed without him coming here.

It's Easter weekend now, and I'm sitting here in my pajamas, messy hair, I didn't even make my bed or clean my house. All I do is hope that he will come. People think I'm crazy for thinking he actually might do that, because... You know, they have all sorts of arguments... He is too far from you, it's hard to travel that much, he has no reason to do that, and so on... All I can say is that there is no distance far enough that I wouldn't cross if all I needed was some free time so this 1110km between us wouldn't be such a big deal, there is no trip hard enough I wouldn't take if it would get me to see him, there is no reason I can think of that would stop me for doing whatever it takes to be close to him.

I know that most people think that I am crazy for not living my life, not finding another man... There was a man... The one who drove 700km just to see me for an hour and then drove back home, the one who surprised me for this holiday called Womens day, came here just to take me to dinner and then went back home the day after that... It wasn't good enough. I'm not saying candlelights, dinner, flowers, fine wine weren't good enough. They were great! But... Not being able to finish my sentence (after just one day of knowing me), not staying speechless to all the things that I say because he'd say them exactly the same way, not saying I look beautiful even if I wear just an ordinary, non-attractive clothes, not seeing the beauty in my eyes and being able to stop looking at them, not making me feel good for being me... That is what wasn't good enough. I'd trade all the candlelight dinners, all private skype guitar concerts just for me, all flowers I ever got, all jewelry, all handmade gifts I got, everything! I'd trade it all for just a simple holding-hands walk in a park with him.

Now, you may call me crazy for this, you may call me crazy for being alone so long... But let me ask you something... Do you know what love is? Did you ever really try to be with the one you love even with all the obstacles? Did you ever try to wait for the right time to be with the right person? Or you just got involved with first person who showed up? Go there before you call me crazy. Do that! Living in this busy world made us forget how pure and true and wonderful love can be... All it takes to feel this beauty is to trade physical pleasure for emotions and feelings. It's a trade in which you win, all you have to do is dare.

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Friday, March 29, 2013

You're not here...

I close my eyes and touch your face with my fingertips. My fluffy touches glide over your eyelids, lips, neck...
I open my eyes, you're not here, but I can feel you with every pore of my body...











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Explaining my feelings

I am tired of this constant feeling that I have to explain something. I don't want to explain my love. Even if I wanted to I wouldn't know how. I fell in love, I tried to make the feeling go away, but it just got even more strong. I tried to push you away and when I thought I finaly did it, you came back. I don't want to fight it any more, I have no strength. I just wish that you finaly realise this is true. I know your mind is fighting to accept that this is real, but it is.

This is a wonderful feeling and I just wish to enjoy it while it lasts. Yes, it is possible that someone loves you without asking anything, without expecting you to love back... Ignorant might think this is not love, but it is - purest form of it. Sure I have hope in my heart that we will be together some day. And even if you said it's not gonna happen, I would never stop hoping.

You shouldn't be worried about the fact that I am alone. I am alone because I choose to be. I don't want to hurt other people trying to forget you. I don't even want to forget you. If I ever live to feel what I felt first time I talked to you with some other man, then I won't be alone any more. Until then... Please don't make me feel like I have to explain my feelings.


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