Saturday, March 30, 2013

Plato about love

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”

“Love is a serious mental disease.”  
“The madness of love is the greatest of heaven's blessings” 
“Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge. ” 
 “According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” 
“Love is simply the name for the desire and the pursuit of the whole.” 
“You're my Star, a stargazer too, and I wish that I were Heaven, with a billion eyes to look at you!”  
“...and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment...” 
“…if a man can be properly said to love something, it must be clear that he feels affection for it as a whole, and does not love part of it to the exclusion of the rest.” 
 “Then the lover, who is true and no counterfeit, must of necessity be loved by his love.” 
“There is no such thing as a lover's oath. ” 

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About holidays

Ever since I met him, I think about the day I'll see him again. And every holiday I think "He might come now!" I hope he'll come evry day, but on holidays I get that little extra hope. I know every single non working day in his country and on each day I just think about the possibility to get a knock on the door and see his face when I open.When I look back, on every holiday I'd get all dressed up and now I know I did it because of him, because of my imagined possibility that he will come. New Year's, Christmas days, Valentine's, Easter days, Labour days, Days of unity... Many of them passed without him coming here.

It's Easter weekend now, and I'm sitting here in my pajamas, messy hair, I didn't even make my bed or clean my house. All I do is hope that he will come. People think I'm crazy for thinking he actually might do that, because... You know, they have all sorts of arguments... He is too far from you, it's hard to travel that much, he has no reason to do that, and so on... All I can say is that there is no distance far enough that I wouldn't cross if all I needed was some free time so this 1110km between us wouldn't be such a big deal, there is no trip hard enough I wouldn't take if it would get me to see him, there is no reason I can think of that would stop me for doing whatever it takes to be close to him.

I know that most people think that I am crazy for not living my life, not finding another man... There was a man... The one who drove 700km just to see me for an hour and then drove back home, the one who surprised me for this holiday called Womens day, came here just to take me to dinner and then went back home the day after that... It wasn't good enough. I'm not saying candlelights, dinner, flowers, fine wine weren't good enough. They were great! But... Not being able to finish my sentence (after just one day of knowing me), not staying speechless to all the things that I say because he'd say them exactly the same way, not saying I look beautiful even if I wear just an ordinary, non-attractive clothes, not seeing the beauty in my eyes and being able to stop looking at them, not making me feel good for being me... That is what wasn't good enough. I'd trade all the candlelight dinners, all private skype guitar concerts just for me, all flowers I ever got, all jewelry, all handmade gifts I got, everything! I'd trade it all for just a simple holding-hands walk in a park with him.

Now, you may call me crazy for this, you may call me crazy for being alone so long... But let me ask you something... Do you know what love is? Did you ever really try to be with the one you love even with all the obstacles? Did you ever try to wait for the right time to be with the right person? Or you just got involved with first person who showed up? Go there before you call me crazy. Do that! Living in this busy world made us forget how pure and true and wonderful love can be... All it takes to feel this beauty is to trade physical pleasure for emotions and feelings. It's a trade in which you win, all you have to do is dare.

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Friday, March 29, 2013

You're not here...

I close my eyes and touch your face with my fingertips. My fluffy touches glide over your eyelids, lips, neck...
I open my eyes, you're not here, but I can feel you with every pore of my body...

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Explaining my feelings

I am tired of this constant feeling that I have to explain something. I don't want to explain my love. Even if I wanted to I wouldn't know how. I fell in love, I tried to make the feeling go away, but it just got even more strong. I tried to push you away and when I thought I finaly did it, you came back. I don't want to fight it any more, I have no strength. I just wish that you finaly realise this is true. I know your mind is fighting to accept that this is real, but it is.

This is a wonderful feeling and I just wish to enjoy it while it lasts. Yes, it is possible that someone loves you without asking anything, without expecting you to love back... Ignorant might think this is not love, but it is - purest form of it. Sure I have hope in my heart that we will be together some day. And even if you said it's not gonna happen, I would never stop hoping.

You shouldn't be worried about the fact that I am alone. I am alone because I choose to be. I don't want to hurt other people trying to forget you. I don't even want to forget you. If I ever live to feel what I felt first time I talked to you with some other man, then I won't be alone any more. Until then... Please don't make me feel like I have to explain my feelings.

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Monday, March 25, 2013

Book rewiew, or... My Secret

I read a book few months ago... It was a self-help book... About how you can improve your life if you just think positive and believe in yourself. It was a book that gave me much clearer wiew to this world we live in and to my life as a whole.

The point of the book is that you can make anything happen just by using the power of your thoughts. Something like magic, if you ask me. :) In case you were wondering, yes, it really works. Now, the part of the book which speaks about money says that we have this wrong rule encoded in our minds. The rule that says money is hard to earn, and we have to work really hard or work dishonest if we want loads of money. Most of us are taught that way ever since we are aware of our existance. Well, I still believe you have to try if you wish things to turn right for you, to earn good money doing good work. But.. I related all those encoded rules about money with encoded rules of love. Somehow, I got to personalize them.

My mother married my father shortly after she ended a 5 years long relationship so I guess she wasn't really crazily in love with him. Then later she went away and came back again. They got my brother and me, and she decided to dedicate herself to family. Wrong decision. She stayed married to a man she didn't love because she has children with him. She wanted her children to have a family. Now that I have a child, I can understand that. The story went on like this... She dedicated herself to her children, well, mostly to my brother because I loved to spend time with my granny, far away from my parents. My father was cheating on her. I don't really know the reason, but once he mentioned that she was the one who started it. If you ask me, doesn't matter who started it. So I remember my father always coming home late, drunk, my mother arguing with him... Later he was absent for four to five years because of that war thing that happened in our country. When he came back, things got even worse. He was out all day, drinking with his friends, comming home late, arguing with my mother. And my mother always stayed at home, drinking and waiting for him. Sometimes he even punched her and she was throwing things at him. It was a terrible sight to look at for eleven years old girl.. In all those nights, I used to wake up just to see if he came home and everything is fine. I'd sit and talk with my mother and I remember every sentence from those conversations, they were always the same. "Do you see what are men like? Cheaters, liars, bullys." "Be careful when the time comes for you to have a boyfriend. Don't make mistakes like I did." "Men are all the same, they only want to have sex and then leave you." "Love is a jar full of shit with a tiny layer of honey on top. When you eat the honey, you end up eating the shit." and many others. So how was I suposed to turn out after all this brain washing? I believed her, she's my mother, but I was always hoping that true, romantic love exists in this world. Unfortunately, my boyfriends alway proved my mom was right.

It's been more than a decade since I am trying to fight her theory, to manage to prove it wrong. So when I read this book, I realised that I just need to change my attitude. I just need to believe strong enough that love from my dreams really exists in this world and that it will happen to me. I did make some mistakes my parents made, like marrying because of a child. But I fixed that mistake first time my ex husband tried to hit me. I guess that means I learned something from my parents after all.

I don't balme my parents for anything. I guess they did what they felt was right for them and us at that time. I love them and I am grateful for the most beautiful present they ever gave me - my life. I know one thing for sure... My daughter will be a girl who believes love is beautiful, pure and true.

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Sunday, March 24, 2013

I Loved Her

"You know my friend, I loved her. I mean, really loved her. Truly, madly and without thinking. She was the only one. My secret, the greatest one. I was with many of them, but always carried her in my heart. I needed her most, and yet... I caused her too much pain. I couldn't accept the fact that I love so I pushed her away. I kept going back to her, but I was actually running away from her. One moment I'd show her that I care, the next one I'd prove I'm a bastard. And the worst thing is, whenever I got back, she was there. And now...
– What now? You got over her?
No way! There are times when I forget about her for a moment, those times when I kill the last piece of me with liquor.
– Why don't you go now and tell her everything?
Eh, see... I got what I wanted. She left. Now, when I go back, she is not there. They say she loves someone else, I know that is not true. But...
– Go see her then.
I can't.
– Why?
She became reasonable. She realised that I am, after all, a really big bastard and that I can never love her. Love her in that classical, usual way. I can't be there for her, and I will always expect her to be there for me. When she is having hardest times, I can't go to her and hug her, and I know she would come to me.
– You are impossible to understand!
Eh, my friend, I know... I get that a lot. There's only one person who said to understand me.
– Who!?
Well, she, my friend…"

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