"I crawled under her skin, quietly, with steps of a thief I entered her dream and stayed there. Trapped between her pride and my desire. Her irrepressible defiance and my egoism. The more I ran, the more I wanted her. The more she came back, the more I pushed her away. We played a game in which neither of us showed emotions. And neither of us lost, but we both came out of the battle defeated..."
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Looking back... Always looking back. Seems to me I will never stop. Or maybe I will some day, the day when us won't be just in my dreams. It's unbelievable! I rember every minute of every hour of every day we spent together. I remember your words, your smiles, you touches, kisses... I can still feel your breath on my cheeks, your fingers in my hair... I remember everything.
Sometimes it feels like you went away just few hours ago. I often imagine you left on a business trip and you will be back soon. That soon lasts more than a year. Time... A friend or an enemy? Friendly enemy. I don't know, I think everything happens at it's time.
You know, every day when I wake up, I go to my kitchen to make myself some coffe and, as I enter, it's like some kind of magic unfolds. I can see you there, sitting in the same place, looking at me... And I can see myself doing the same for the rest of my life, spending mornings with you in our kitchen, preparing coffee or tea and breakfast for us. Then I ask myself "How can this be?" It's been over a year and I still think of you every day. I see you in things I do and imagine us doing them together. I live with you in my mind and we have a great life. When rational me looks at this, she says "It was just one night, few kisses, words of a drunk man... Let it go!" And when emotional me looks at this, she says "It was everything! Never let it go!"
I often think that I might find another you someday, but... People say breathtaking love happens only once in a lifetime. To meet such person as you are and to feel what I felt with you... I think it would be selfish to expect it to happen to me again in this life.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
...Every time he asked "Do you love me?" I would wonder through my thoughts, look more through him than at him and say "I love your eyes, they are beautiful."
Of cousre he knew I don't love him. If I did, he wouldn't have to ask, he'd simply know that. But... I kinda liked spending time with him. He was funny, interesting... He cared, that was what I liked most. I don't know how would I call that what was going on between the two of us. Friends with benefits? Maybe, although I pretty much hate the expression. Anyway, that thing that was happening was going along just fine. And then, one warm summer night... You came back.
No, you didn't fly or drive a thousand miles as I sometimes dreamed you would. You just came back to my virtual, social networking world. And as I was looking at some pictures you posted, I came across one that really drew my attention. There was something special about it... Your eyes... I looked at them so long I forgot about the world around me. That look of yours, it was something magical... It was the first thing that caught my eye when I met you.
And all of a sudden, my heart skipped a beat, my palms got wet... My breathing became faster as I realised his eyes unbelievably resembled at yours. I got scared by the thought that only thing I really loved about him was just a tiny piece of you...
So far... In this bruised night my thoughts of you spill like pearls of a broken necklace and roll under my pillow, waiting for me to fall asleep so they can conquer my mind again. It's like that every time. I try to scare them away, but they won't leave me alone. I am a prisoner of my solitude, very well kept by guards who speak with echo of your voice and your words that stayed trapped in this dungeon of nothingness. It's really dark in here, but I am not afraid. I am just scared that I might get used to this darkness. These shutters of obstacles just won't let the sun go in. Maybe just some tiny rays every once in a while. I hear voices everywhere, calling me, haunting me... I am so cold, my body is shaking. I am in desperate need for something to warm me up. I can't take their love, it would be like trying to get warm in a castle of ice. I don't need that... I need to bathe in sunshine of your love.
P.S. I miss you so....