Friday, April 26, 2013

Find me

Play this.
Take a deep breath and close your eyes... After it's finished, open them.


Tell me... Did you feel me? I know you thought of me since I am the one writing this so it kinda makes sense. But... Did you feel me? Did you manage to close your eyes and open your heart and really find me there? Is there a moment in your day when you think of me? Just like that, for no reason... In the night when you close your eyes and let your thoughts wonder... Do they ever end up with me? Do they ever lead you to that night... The night when you looked at me as if I was some kind of miracle... Evey time I go back there I feel like time stops and world stops spinning and there's only the moment... Your eyes wide open staring at me with amazement, silence of the night broken by your heartbeat... I don't have words to describe how I feel every time I end up there... It makes me... I just want more memories to make me speechless. Do you?

"But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart."

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Maybe...


"Amazing how life can suddenly fascinate you with it's sense, but aswell can take you down from that pedestal you thought you'll never come off. And in vain all the suffering and useless pain when you realise that, actually, you have noone to suffer for. Nothing is worth your solitude and angry restlessness which breaks all your inner senses. And noone is worthy to take you away the right to happiness you get when you're born. To carry on with your head up high is the real cure to calm all the tempest of your past turbulent life. Wipe out black stains like you wipe befogged glass with your hand, maybe you'll catch a ray of light or a more beautiful world through them. Just for a moment, inhale the fresh air of pure universe, feel peace in your soul and joy in your heart because, we don't have a lot of time "here and now" to make long breaks while waiting for the pain to soothe and for particles of happiness to rise out of silky dust. Sometimes we have to rely on ourselves and move from the point of stopping. Maybe, after all, somewhere out there exists the voice of a man whom you'd be happy to break your silence with."

A friend wrote this for me last year, the end of March, begining of April. I read it these days and realised how far I've come in just one year. I hope you all have strength and courage to live your life the way you want it and to be the best version of yourself.

. :)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

My Brightest Star

For more than a year now, I've been thinking about death and the way it affects our lives... Totally wrong! We spend our lives scared of death. But why? Instead of enjoying every moment with dear people, we live in fear they won't be here some day. Well, of course they won't be here, it is natural thing. One person dies, another one is born. So simple!

I have a three year old daughter and the only thing I would really like to teach her is to appreciate life as it is - a miraculous gift I gave her. To live with all ups and downs, in harmony with her soul. Every day spent with her takes me back to my childhood. Some memories are nice, some are not. But I remember well all the things that I wanted to have, but never got. For example, an afternoon walk with my parents and my brother or a sunday picnic with them. I don't remember any of that. We did things together, but those were visits to our family in another town or some birthdays, weddings or other celebrations. For me, it wasn't good enough. I just never payed attention to it.

I was taught to want it all. Big house, fancy clothes, expensive car... Want it all and never care about the way I get it. So shallow. Luckily, I had a great piano teacher who taught me so much about life, much more than about music. I can say it was the best way my parents ever invested their money. Also my english teacher in high school. She was the only teacher who cared what kind of people all of us will become, what is it that she is sending out to the world. Thank them both for everything they taught me.

So, in one of my thinkings about death, it crossed my mind... I am almost thirty years old and I have nothing. No house, no car, no designer clothes... And I don't even have a decent job. Strong reasons to begin feeling desperate, but once again - NO! See, the person I loved the most (before I got my daughter) died several years ago. My granny. Yesterday, I was cleaning up closets and throwing away stuff my mother's been saving for many, many years... And I found a big bag full of my granny's clothes. She didn't take any of it with her. :) My granny was poor and happy. She made best dishes I ever tasted although many of them lacked some ingredients. She had the softest hands that ever touched my face (except my daughter's). She had only one pen and one notebook that I could play with. Only thing she knew to draw was a goose, but I always made her draw it for me again and again and again. She couldn't read fluently so I was always reading poems to her before we fall asleep. She didn't have a TV so I often listened to clock ticking to fall asleep. She didn't have many of the things people now can't imagine their life without, but she had one thing many people now don't have - a heart filled with purest, kindest and truest love for life and people and everything that surrounded her!

She is the person who taught me that love is the only thing that counts.