Saturday, May 11, 2013

When I Get Sad...

I stop being sad and be awesome instead! Well, not me. I do try to look at the bright side, but I don't like artificial happiness. It's scary... Artificial happiness is just a good mask your sorrow wears.

I might be having problem with not being able to cry, but I don't have a problem with being sad. Here's what I do when I get sad... I eat chocolate, lots of it... Well, I generally eat a lot when I'm sad. It usually lasts for days. I listen to emotional music, I watch sad movies. I do all of it in order to start crying which never happens. Then I get mad at myself for not being able to change that. And when madness is gone, I feel sad again. So I just listen to sad music and let the pain owerwhelm me until the point when it stops hurting.. Then I look deep into my heart and try to find a piece of hope, that tiny little thing to get me moving, the particle of life that gives me courage and strength to make it through... And I win, every time.

I really win! I don't feed my pain with fake positive thoughts. If I did that, my pain would come back someday, totally unexpected and much more stronger. I think people who avoid feeling  pain and sadness are being somehow dishonest with themselves. I don't look for the bright spot in the black day. You know why? Because I allow myself to have feelings. I allow myself to have a bad day sometimes, to be in a mess, to be in my dark place. I allow that to myself because keeping balance between good and bad things is what makes me feel. This life is beautiful with all ups and downs, with black and colored days, with sadness and happiness... Life is beautiful if you allow yourself to feel it.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Forgiveness

Did you know I have a crying problem? Yeah, I can't cry. Even when the hurricane of pain tears apart my chests, I just can't. I cry after the storm is over, when the first sun beam touches my face, when I feel relief. It bothers me sometimes because there are days when I really need to release the pressure through my tears. Days like one I had yesterday...

I went to a funeral. Have you ever been to a funeral? I hope you haven't. Do you know what it's like? It's sad, depressing... And if the closest family of the decedent is a person you care about very much, then it hurts you and it breaks you into pieces, makes you feel helpless because you know there is NOTHING you can do. You know that there is a person who expects you to give some words and acts of comfort, person who needs you in order to get better. It's like just standing at the shore and watch a sinking ship.Nothing to say, nothing to do, noone to ask for help... There was a sister who lost sister, husband lost his wife, son lost his mother and, what got me the most, daughter lost a mother. I am a mother and a daughter so I will be in that position one day and so will my daughter. I don't want to sink when my mother dies, and I sure don't want my daughter to sink when I die. That is how I was sure her mother wouldn't want her to get lost in life facing this loss. This made me realise I do have something to say, I do have words and acts of comfort. I gave her a hug... A long, warm hug, and lots of words to help her soul heal. I watched her the whole time, just trying to see a sparkle of hope in her eyes... She looked same as me when I lost my granny... That is how I know she will go through a lot of pain, but she will be better in time... And, even though I felt as my heart was breaking, I couldn't cry...

I read something interesting my facebook friend posted few days ago. She wrote: "That's the way it goes... First you forgive someone for something and then you forgive yourslef for forgiving him. Like a vaccine. At first, you get a small dose, very small, how much your body can handle. And then all of a sudden, you become immune to the worst. You don't even notice when you became another person and how some viruses don't affect you anymore... Like some part of you, gentle and sensitive, dissappeared forever..." Maybe that's it... Maybe that is the reason I can't cry anymore. But I do hope my tears aren't lost forever.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Mornings

When was the last time you did this? The last time you shared that magic of new day's birth with somebody else. Do you wake up easily and push the day, rush into it? Or is your wakig difficult, you barely open your eyes before you drink your coffee and you let the day pushes you? Either way... Are you alone when you do it?

My mornings are the loneliest part of the day... I don't like to talk when I wake up, I don't like to think before I finish my coffee... But I would like to have someone to share the silence.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Feel The Grief

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life... It's loss... It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad... The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn in on a dime...

That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive... By remembering that one day, somehow... Impossibly... It won't feel this way, it won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the worst part of grief , is that you can't control it. The best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes... And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again... And always, every time... It takes your breath away.

*this text is taken from one of my favorite TV shows "Grey's Anatomy" season 6, episode 2

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Mahatma Gandhi about Love

“Love never claims, it ever gives. Love ever suffers, never resents never revenges itself.”

“Where there is love there is life.” 
 “To give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer.”  
“The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace.” 
“Love is the strongest force the world possesses and yet it is the humblest imaginable.” 
“I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need. I feel your feelings.” 
“In doing something, do it with love or never do it at all.” 
“To call woman the weaker sex is a libel; it is man's injustice to woman. If by strength is meant brute strength, then, indeed, is woman less brute than man. If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man's superior. Has she not greater intuition, is she not more self-sacrificing, has she not greater powers of endurance, has she not greater courage? Without her, man could not be. If nonviolence is the law of our being, the future is with woman. Who can make a more effective appeal to the heart than woman?”