Saturday, May 25, 2013

Half Of Me

One half of me is long gone, with you...
The other one stayed here, with me.
But it is so different.
It spent all this time searching for a lost piece
that it ended in completely changing itself.
And now it is standing barefoot in front of the door of my soul,
but I am afraid to let it in.
I am scared of getting to know
a person I once used to be.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Fun & Freedom

This thing is all over social networks. People like it, share it, pin it, tweet... It's spreading like a virus!
                   "I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom."

Are you really?! Does everything really come to this?! Do people really think that the only way to have fun and be free is to be single? Well, if having fun means having non-emotional one-night purely physical sex every once in a while and with different person every time then one must be single to have fun like that. If freedom is to go out, get wasted and have noone by your side to tell you how wrong it is then - yes, you need to be single to be free. And if you think like this you should stay single forever!

But let me ask you something... Did you ever get wasted and had someone by your side to take you home and cure your hangover the next day and maybe even the day after that? Or did you ever do this for someone special and then tease them about it later?

When was the last time you made love to someone with all kinds of emotions and feelings involved? Actually, did you ever do that? Making love is so much more than just having an intercourse, it's more than just connecting two bodies in some physical game. Have you ever got to know the feeling of completely connecting with someone who loves and respects you as a whole? Someone who cares about every piece of you, about your mind, body and soul... Someone who completes you in every way... If you have, SINGLE is the last thing you want to be because being single is just a shallow way of knowing the real meaning of fun and freedom.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Cheating On...

I was playing with my glass of wine while I talked to him. We were having some casual conversation about love, relationships, cheating... I mentioned that I really hate lies and  told him that, in my way of thinking, cheating doesn't always have to be physical, and that the worst way of cheating someone is being in a relationship with them while loving someone else. Then he asked "Do you love someone?". I looked down at my glass and said "No." and that very moment I felt strong bolts of pain going through my chest... I couldn't stop the sigh coming out of me.

Yes, I lied and yes, I cheated. Even now I can't really explain why... Was I trying not to hurt his feelings?  I knew I meant everything to him. I could tell that by the way he looked at me and how he touched my face while talking to me. I knew that because I know very well how you treat someone who means everything to you. You forgive then for not calling, not wriing... You forgive small mistakes and big ones just to have them around. But you hurt... Love like that hurts... So it felt good to mean something to someone, but at the same time it felt bad because he was just an escape from my reality. That night I became even more lost in my pain, my madness. It got much worse than it ever was! It went far beyond the point of breaking. I felt worthless. I was doing two things I hated the most. But why?! I am not a liar or a cheater! I don't hurt others to make myself feel better. But then again, I was hurting him and it resulted in hurting myself even more.

It is somehow scary that a person can be so hurt to get to the point of chosing a life in illusion instead of facing the pain. To become weak and let your mind play games with you. In some moments I actually believed that man can be the one to stand by me for the rest of my life. Those moments exactly gave me the strong will to forget about my love, to do whatever it takes not to come in that lying/cheating position again.  And it was good... Everything was fine until one day I faced the scary truth that heart is not to be ordered to. And I let him go.

I was alone and lonely. I still am. Very lonely... And I can't make the feeling go away. But I had much time to think everything through and... I was weak, I was desperate, I was broken-hearted and much more... Now I am strong, but I still carry that love around with me.

In the end I got to a conclusion that the only person I cheated on was me.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Dancing In The Rain

“You say you love rain, but you use an umbrella to walk under it. You say you love sun, but you seek shelter when it is shining. You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your windows. So that's why I'm scared when you say you love me.”

― Bob Marley

Is this true or not? I often think about it. I love rain and I don't always use an umbrella to walk under. If it's raining lightly, I walk slowly in the rain and fully enjoy the feeling of raindrops falling on my face, like a dozen of kisses covering it. If it's rainig a bit harder I usually run in the rain. But if it pours really hard, I walk or run under my umbrella. Although, I do remember one year I danced barefoot in summer downpour. I was spinning with my arms open wide, eyes closed and face up to the sky. I loved that moment of pure joy and happiness.

I think it's the same when you love someone. You can handle walking or running in the light rain, but when the storm comes you need a guard. Isn't it sad that things can get so heavy you need an umbrella? And it can go like that few times, but then you just get tired of bad weather and never leave home. You spend days, months, years, even decades hiding from the storm hoping you will find that one person who will dance with you in the rain.