Saturday, November 30, 2013

Falling Together

I unpacked my suitcase few days ago. When unpacking it, I found this little silver star. The moust beautiful decoration for Christmas tree I have ever seen. I bought one for every important person in my life... I like giving people small things that will remind them of me, I prefer presents to have emotional value.

Have I finally arrived when I unpacked? No. It took a bit more than that...
It took one night out to realise I was home. It took a few drunk men with shallow perception of my personality. I am a waitress, you know, and here in my country most people feel like they have some kind of unspoken and unwritten right to treat me as they please. There was this one guy who wanted to kiss me and I rejected him. He asked why did I do it and I replied that I didn't want it. The next question was if I had a boyfriend and my answer was negative which lead to him being surprised with the fact that I rejected him and I don't even have a boyfriend. How can it be!? Really? I mean, really!? Eventualy I told him I don't like him and it's not going to happen. And he said all I have to do is give him a chance because I don't even know him. Every man says the same thing, that I have to try in order to know. And how to explain them I don't feel like trying?

Later, I had a sleep over at my friend's. We slept in same bed and nothing happened. We are still just friends. Having this experience leads me back to days spent in Germany. Before I arrived there R made a list of rules by which we were supposed not to kiss, not to touch and not to have sex... The idea was to see that we can be just friends. I told him it is impossible and that I will never see him as just a friend. So he changed his rules to something like limitless possibilities.

We spent four nights sleeping in same bed and nothing happened anyway, but that still doesn't define us as friends. And now I realise that only thing that makes difference between last night sleepover and days I spent with R is the fact that with R I felt so safe, so protected and so free. And I don't know his reasons for acting like friends... In fact, all I can do is choose to believe in brighter side of the story. I think this kind of believing is called hope. I choose to believe that he was just being a gentleman because... Well, he is a perfectionist and he made it clear that there is no room for girlfriend in his life now, that he would feel bad being in a relationship and not being able to give the best of himself into it. So I just believe that he chose nothing over something because he hopes someday he will have everything. I chose to believe...Maybe I am wrong... And if so, I just hope he cares about me enough not to keep me in his life because "just friends" brings a lot of joy but hurts even more.

Time... I'm not sure I have some more spare years to just hang around.

I recently read this quote:

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.” 

I've been making roundtrips from my past to my future to finally arrive to my present. I am at peace. I have my faith to keep me going.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Falling Apart

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that my blog is depressive. Well, I think it's just her point of view but maybe I am the one who is wrong... Anyway, she said I should change something, write about happy stuff. My answer was that I can't do it because I don't feel like that. And that is only half the truth. Sure I can do it! I can find a million of reasons to be happy for, I can extract only the good moments from my trip. I can trick my mind in so many different ways and make it believe everything is just fine. But my heart... Tricking it wouldn't be a very wise choice. I think I need to let myself fall apart so I can take the pieces and put them together again.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Somewhere In Between

Well, it's been already a week since I came back from Germany... Ever since I got here I've been wanting to blog about it, but every time I try, words fail. I light some candles in my room because atmosphere like that inspires me a lot, but still nothing... I play emotional music and it doesn't help. I walk across my room, go to the window and look at raindrops slowly flow down the cold glass. I can feel the chill going through my body... Slightly scared by the fact that feelings, emotions and thoughts pile up inside and I can't let them out. I go back to my desk and stare at this empty screen... I take a deep breath followed by a long sigh, my eyes wonder to the left and end up on a suitacse that is still unpacked... Everything is inside as if I am about to travel again. ˝There is an answer...˝ I whisper. I haven't arrived yet. I'm locked somewhere between here and there wondering which way to go...