I asked him the other day how does he feel and how his heart is and he told me I should ask him that in new year because he actually doesn't know how he feels... My first thought was that it can't be, but the more I thought about it the more I realised I myself didn't know how I felt.
I read my posts I wrote while in Germany and when I came back... I thought about everything that happened there... I went through every word, every face expression, everything... And I realised that I was only the observer. I took this passive role and let my life happen before my very eyes. I froze myself out there! Do you know that he even thinks I don't know how to express my feelings!? And I'm not talking about my feelings for him, but for everything. One night we went bowling and it was my first time ever. I was bad like all beginners, but as game went on I became a bit better. And each time I had a good hit he would cheer more than me and say "Oh, please, don't be so happy!" And I am actually a person who expresses happiness with jumping around the street and laughing outloud by herself, a person who runs around the house when feeling excited! But somehow I failed to show it...I am a person, not a faceless thing.
Now I sit here and wonder how and why... And what the hell?!
First person I visited when I came back was my sister. The moment I entered her apartment she asked me "So, how was it? Have you resolved your issues?" I was like "Sure! You know, nothing happened but I'm good everything is fine." And I told her the story... Every little detail... And then she looked at me, started laughing and said "Oh my God, you haven't resolved anything! You came back here being in love with him even more than before!"
So... After thinking everything through - AGAIN, I might say that my current state could be called confusion. And I also might stop thinking through and start feeling through.