Wednesday, August 20, 2014

There Was A Day

Well, maybe there were more days like this one, but I don't have them recorded. What kind of day was it?

Hm, well... Right now I was searching through my old notebooks to find some english grammar lessons for a class that I am teaching and I found a notebook I forgot even existed. The notebook where I wrote down everything Robert and I wrote to each other. And well... Words slip away from me in this moment... Emotional is the only expression I can think of...

I am reading this now and... There was a day when he missed me. Well, actually, a day when he missed me and told me about that. So why do I believe he only missed me when he told me he did? Maybe that was the one time he actually didn't miss me! Why do we need words to be sure if what other people feel for us is true? Is it the distance? The physical absence of another? The impossibility of a hug in lonely nights? The fact that I can't just get dressed and walk to his home to see him when I miss him? The fact that I can't call just to say hi? And why can't I? Is it forbidden? Why do I always need a reason to call? Who said that there have to be rules?!

I read almost everything I wrote... The mails I sent him and the ones I didn't. And well, the ones that remained only in my notebook... They are deep, honest, emotional, dramatic, whining, depressing, sad, mad, desperate... They are everything I was in moments I wrote them. And... If I didn't know the person who wrote them I would probably wonder how did she survive those years. Actually, I do wonder how did she make it? Where did all the strength come from? Are we really destined to make it through everything life throws at us?

And why wasn't that enough for me? Why couldn't I just be happy with some beautiful days I spent with him? Why couldn't I just continue my life as if nothing has changed? Why did I have to build such high expectations? Why did I have to push the limits to scare him away? Why was I frightened by everything I felt? Why wasn't I strong enough to handle it on my own two feet? Why couldn't I live simply and let him simply live? Why was I thinking too much? And why am I doing so now?

So many mixed emotions... Ups and downs... Confusion and clarity... My life on the paper... Me in the ink... Days and nights of happiness, hope, fear, joy, anxiety, love... Years of love! Everything comes down to this one moment... Exactly this moment in which I feel... I feel calm.

Have I really let it all go? Am I free? And of what? I read somewhere that love alters, and I believe it does so. Did mine?

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Friday, June 13, 2014

One and Only

Surrounded by men who are completely different in their way of thinking and attitude towards life, yet all of them have something in common - they want me. Their wishes vary depending mostly on their relationship status and age. Some want a relationship, marriage, family while others offer dating, sex, fun...
And me? I feel like someone dropped me in that crowd and I just spin in circles trying to figure out if there might actually be one among them I would choose.

I see him standing alone, far away from the crowd. Handsome, not very pretty but beautiful, strong energy... If you get closer you can see the fire within those eyes. Just one deep look and you're hypnotized. It's just yet another moment in which I allow myself to admit that my love will hardly ever belong to someone else. None of the men in crowd carry that beauty within, none of them set my soul on fire, none of them inspire me to be better than the person I already am, none of them make me feel comfortable enough to take down the mask of an insensitive lady, none of them liberate me enough to take off my shoes and dance barefoot in the rain...

He is the one who will always stand out from the crowd.

He is the one I love.

And, as scared as it makes me, I resign myself to the fact that (in a way) I allways will. :)

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Saturday, March 29, 2014

To Love Or Not To Love?

 Some weeks ago I had an interesting chat with one of my fans on my facebook page. I just thought it's worth sharing. :)

    • Fan:  how to know if we really love someone.....and if the person we love is the right one for us.....??? 

    • Just by feeling and believing.

  • March 14
    • But how do we know that if we are loving someone out of loneliness or or is it a true love??

    • You must know yourself well in order to know that.

  • March 14
    • And how do we differentiate between infatuation and real love?

    • I guess it takes time.

  • March 14
    • When is the right time to fall in love with someone ??

    • There is no such thing as right time for love.

  • March 14
    • Do we need to be well settled in our life and career before loving someone??
  • March 14
    • But if we get into commitment with someone......and if we propose someone......then we need to be well settled so as to live happily there are so many things to sustain a healthy relationship like a good job.....a good for the future child etc.... What do u say?

    • And why not build everything together?

  • March 14
    • But....if you want to give your girl all the happiness in this world and if you want to make her a princess and provide her with all the basic need..and also to fulfil all her wishes....we need to stand on our own feet doubts that love is very important....but is only love enough....(being practical). ???

    • Love is the only thing that counts. You know, when I visited my... I don't know what to call him... On the first morning he gave me money and said I can spend it on whatever I want to. To have a coffee in the city or have lunch or something while he is at work. And I was wondering if that money would be enough to buy one more hour with him... So no, I didn't buy anything for myself. Money didn't make me happy. I did use it though. I bought groceries to make a dinner for him so I guess I made him happy. 

  • Fan:
    March 1
    • I're absolutely right.....but...u know.....I've been hurt in love once.....I was madly in love with that girl....we were in a relationship for three years...(we both were in school that time)....I did all the funny, romantic, nice, cute, emotional things for her and with her.....I was so happy.....I think we both were very happy......and then came the time...when she left me alone......she went to Canada for studying.....she came back after one year.....and she was a totally different person that time.......she had forgotten all the love and was behaving like we were just normal friends......I tried to ask her if there was any thing that she was hiding from me.....but her behavior was totally changed....and she was not interested in talking to me anymore.......I was's been 5 years since that time......yes I've moved on..,,,,, I'm afraid to love again......  

    • If you are affraid to love, then youy haven't moved on. You need to forgive her for all the pain you felt. And you also need to forgive yourself. Just release everything negative and remember only the good things. If it was love as you say then it was all worth it. I've had just a few days feeling happy for love in last three years and I still think it was worth it.

  • March 15
    • Yes....I can forgive her.....but.....can I forget her.....?? ... Will I be able to do all the stupid, funny and romantic things with anyone else that I did with my first love....??

    • You don't need to forget her. And yes, you will be able to do all those things when you meet the person who moves you and inspires you. :)

  • March 15
    • Hmmmm.....u r right......I've started liking a girl.......shall I dare to love her???

    • You don't decide if you will dare to love someone. Love just happens, it can't be under control.

Sunday, March 23, 2014


- I went to my office and the whole morning I was thinking it should feel different, somebody is at my home, in my bed... I should feel something is different, but I don't.
- No, you're supposed to feel exactly the same, to be comfortable with me being here.

Don't really know if he realised what I was trying to say. Difference was supposed to be felt when I was gone.
Does he feel it? Was anything in his life different after my visit ended? Is anything different now when I am no longer part of it? With me everything is exactly the same. Everything except the pain...

Sunday, March 2, 2014



1. containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents: an empty bottle.
2. destitute of some quality or qualities: (usually fol. by of): Theirs is a life now empty of happiness.
3. without force, effect, or significance; hollow; meaningless: empty compliments; empty pleasures.

Time heals everything... What a lie! It doesn't get better in time... More than two months and nothing changed. I go to work, spend time with my daughter, my friends, go out, have fun, dance, laugh... I cook, I read, I write... And I am happy while doing it, but there's this constant feeling of emptiness.

I have goals in my life, big plans, and am focused on making them my reality. I know I'll be living my dream in a couple of years. Each day, I am one step closer. But how do I fill this emptiness? Tell me... Just don't tell me to find another man, I tried it twice since November 2011. and it didn't work. I always end up more broken than I was before, feeling bad for even trying. Maybe I am supposed to stay alone for a long time. Maybe forever... How long is that? Don't know... Maybe solitude and emptiness are worth of whatever is coming after. Maybe destiny will give me my missing piece back.

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Tuesday, February 4, 2014


It's a strange feeling... Like, when couples divorce, split everything in a half and are stuck in living on ruins of their marriage. How do they do that? How do they live knowing that everything they build comes from a very painful experience? Don't they come to hate it? The same thing is happening to me. I write to soothe my pain, I post on my facebook page mostly to express what I feel... My page has more and more fans each day and my blog has more readers. I should be happy for it. I am happy for it! But there is a grey shadow on my happiness. I think, when I publish my book and start earning money from it and then be able to live the life of my dreams... How will I be able to be happy with that if it's built on pain for not having the one I love in my life?

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Monday, February 3, 2014

Letters - Frida Kahlo to Diego Rivera


Truth is so great that I wouldn't like to speak, or sleep, or listen, or love. To feel myself trapped, with no fear of blood, outside time and magic, within your own fear, and your great anguish, and within the very beating of your heart. All this madness, if I asked it of you, I know, in your silence, there would be only confusion. I ask you for violence, in the nonsense, and you, you give me grace, your light and your warmth. I'd like to paint you, but there are no colors, because there are so many, in my confusion, the tangible form of my great love.


Thursday, January 16, 2014

A Dream

It was a wonderful, sunny morning. I was walking from a train station, cheerfull and overjoyed by the smell of spring in the air and by the very thought that I am about to see those eyes... So happy and excited I almost didn't feel the weight of my dark red suitcase, and it was really heavy, I think I packed everything I had in there.

As I was getting closer to my destination millions of pictures were running through my mind, his face expressions when I show up at the door, a girl opening the door, him opening and the girl appearing behind, or a locked door and me sitting on my suitcase in the hallway... A short movie in my head. And all of a sudden I find myself in a completely unknown neighbourhood, I look around but nothing seems familiar. I must have taken the wrong turn. I go back to the previous corner and I see a lovely old bridge. Now I know I am only minutes away, I take small steps and walk slowly... I want to absorb every moment of that unspeakable magic, seconds when all the noise of a city rush turns into a river flow, peaceful birds song and sweet smell of birch tree on the other side of the bridge. I breathe in deeply and feel a soothing wave going through my body.

As I approach the building I can see all the windows in his appartment are closed. My first thought is that he is not at home and I already feel slightly disappointed, but also relieved at the same time. I put down my suitcase and ring a bell shortly. There is no answer, no any kind of noise behind the door... I ring again, only a bit longer. Still no answer... I take a closer look and see a tiny beam of light on the left side, I realise the door is not closed. I push it slowly and enter the narrow hall. Everything is still the same, his watches at the shelf on the right side, a board with postcards and notes right above it. I see a sunflower magnet and a note saying "Forgive yourself! :)" I smile and wonder if he did actually forgive himself... In the corner of my eye I notice his bluish-grey shoes. "He must be home!", I think to myself. I enter the living room and walk on my toetips to bedroom door, it's closed, but I can hear deep heavy breathing. "He is still asleep... Ok, I can take a shower before he wakes up."

I take some things from my suitcase and head straight to bathroom and take a long, long, long shower... I let the warm water just pour down my body... First time for the last 24 hours of my trip I feel tired. As I stare through wet, blurred shower glass I start getting some numb feeling in my stomach and wonder why am I here anyway... Cold water snaps me out of those confusing thoughts. Wrap myself into a towel and head to living room to put on some clothes. As I enter the room I can see a pile of dirty purple sheets laying in front of the bedroom door. I figure he is awake, but the door is still closed.

I head to kitchen to make some tea and breakfast. Some minutes later I can hear footsteps through the hallway and a water rinnung at the bathroom. "Perfect! He will be right in time for breakfast." I got carried away in preparing food that I didn't even realise I can't hear water running anymore. I leave the kitchen but I can't hear any noises, no signs of someones presence in the place. I think he might have left without me noticing and I feel tremendous fear at that very moment. I panically walk from one room to another searching for him, but he isn't there. I get overwhelmed with anxiety, sadness, fear, pain... So many mixed emotions replacing one another second after second... But then I hear water running in bathroom again and I feel like it washes all those emotions away.

Later, I hear doors opening and closing. I think he finished his shower so I can serve breakfast. I put plates and cups on a tray and head to the living room. The thrill of anticipation gives a light tremble to my entire body. I enter the room and finally see him. He's on the couch, lying on his left side covered with a blanket, with a laptop in front of him. I walk to the coffee table and put a tray there, but he doesn't see me. I feel that pain agin... Pain of being invisible, insignificant to someone... But I decide to ignore that. I sit next to him and he winces and looks at me. I look at those eyes... I can se fear, confusion, surprise... I lean towards him even more, hypnotized by that look of his... I never knew how to describe it. I remember I once told him I get a feeling as he would swallow me up with his eyes...

And there I am, in the moment of magic again, the same as the one when I was crossing the bridge. Only this time I don't feel the same calmness. In fact, I don't feel calmness at all. I feel rush, excitement, sweet anticipation. He took a breath to say something but I put my finger on his lips and said: "Hush now... We are here. This is who we are... This magic... There is no past. No future. We live now... We are this moment." And after some seconds of a pleasant silence, a deep, sensual, soft kiss interwines our souls...

And then I woke up... Lonely, sad, in pain, with the heaviest load on my heart but no tears to cry it all out and get it over with... I can handle keeping myself busy during the day to avoid letting my thoughts wonder towards him. But this, my dreams... How can I handle this?

*something to listen to while reading...

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Friday, January 10, 2014

The End?

I feel awful for the way I ended everything. I don't think that person who doesn't answer a yes/no question deserves better treatment, but I know that I am better than this. I know that I treat people the way I feel I should and not the way they deserve. So I am sorry.

I deleted you from every account I own but... I've built my entire world on what I feel for you. My blog, my page, my book... Cutting you off made my world colapse. And it looks silly to try to delete you when you will always be present in my heart. Maybe I was wrong in something, somewhere. Maybe Imade a mistake for saying something or not saying anything at all. Maybe I should have let you know how hurt I was by the fact that you let me cross all that way just to pretend we can be friends. Or maybe I should have said that I was upset by the fact that you didn't have enough decency  to at least change your sheets before I arrived... Her hair on your pillow, white stains on your sheets... Her clothes in your closet... And I even blamed myself that I found them, I kept telling myself that it's my fault I decided to put away your laundry.

The time I spent there was great only because I was happy with the fact that I actually see you again. But when I got home and after some time I realised I am not happy at all. Day by day, I had a feeling that I am drowning in hope. Hope that after four years when you achieve your goals I will be the one you choose to e by your side. What a fool I am! And what about my life, my plans, my child?

Ok, this got a lot longer than I thought... I don't blame you for anything, I blame myself for not being able to let go. But this time, this time I will handle it. If I ever call you again in the middle of the night just do the same you did first time – don't answer. I'm sorry, I can't be your friend. I can't have you in my life because I keep hoping we will be together someday. Maybe I am not strong at all, maybe I am just the same as all the cowards in this world.

If there is anything to forgive, I forgive you. I also hope you can forgive me because I can't, not yet.  And I want you to know that you will always be this amazing man who made me think and feel and change my life for better!

And one more thing… Please, don’t be a guy who will make videos for dear people before he dies to let them know how he felt about them while he was alive. Please, don’t be that guy!