Friday, January 10, 2014

The End?

I feel awful for the way I ended everything. I don't think that person who doesn't answer a yes/no question deserves better treatment, but I know that I am better than this. I know that I treat people the way I feel I should and not the way they deserve. So I am sorry.

I deleted you from every account I own but... I've built my entire world on what I feel for you. My blog, my page, my book... Cutting you off made my world colapse. And it looks silly to try to delete you when you will always be present in my heart. Maybe I was wrong in something, somewhere. Maybe Imade a mistake for saying something or not saying anything at all. Maybe I should have let you know how hurt I was by the fact that you let me cross all that way just to pretend we can be friends. Or maybe I should have said that I was upset by the fact that you didn't have enough decency  to at least change your sheets before I arrived... Her hair on your pillow, white stains on your sheets... Her clothes in your closet... And I even blamed myself that I found them, I kept telling myself that it's my fault I decided to put away your laundry.

The time I spent there was great only because I was happy with the fact that I actually see you again. But when I got home and after some time I realised I am not happy at all. Day by day, I had a feeling that I am drowning in hope. Hope that after four years when you achieve your goals I will be the one you choose to e by your side. What a fool I am! And what about my life, my plans, my child?

Ok, this got a lot longer than I thought... I don't blame you for anything, I blame myself for not being able to let go. But this time, this time I will handle it. If I ever call you again in the middle of the night just do the same you did first time – don't answer. I'm sorry, I can't be your friend. I can't have you in my life because I keep hoping we will be together someday. Maybe I am not strong at all, maybe I am just the same as all the cowards in this world.

If there is anything to forgive, I forgive you. I also hope you can forgive me because I can't, not yet.  And I want you to know that you will always be this amazing man who made me think and feel and change my life for better!

And one more thing… Please, don’t be a guy who will make videos for dear people before he dies to let them know how he felt about them while he was alive. Please, don’t be that guy!