Thursday, January 16, 2014

A Dream

It was a wonderful, sunny morning. I was walking from a train station, cheerfull and overjoyed by the smell of spring in the air and by the very thought that I am about to see those eyes... So happy and excited I almost didn't feel the weight of my dark red suitcase, and it was really heavy, I think I packed everything I had in there.

As I was getting closer to my destination millions of pictures were running through my mind, his face expressions when I show up at the door, a girl opening the door, him opening and the girl appearing behind, or a locked door and me sitting on my suitcase in the hallway... A short movie in my head. And all of a sudden I find myself in a completely unknown neighbourhood, I look around but nothing seems familiar. I must have taken the wrong turn. I go back to the previous corner and I see a lovely old bridge. Now I know I am only minutes away, I take small steps and walk slowly... I want to absorb every moment of that unspeakable magic, seconds when all the noise of a city rush turns into a river flow, peaceful birds song and sweet smell of birch tree on the other side of the bridge. I breathe in deeply and feel a soothing wave going through my body.

As I approach the building I can see all the windows in his appartment are closed. My first thought is that he is not at home and I already feel slightly disappointed, but also relieved at the same time. I put down my suitcase and ring a bell shortly. There is no answer, no any kind of noise behind the door... I ring again, only a bit longer. Still no answer... I take a closer look and see a tiny beam of light on the left side, I realise the door is not closed. I push it slowly and enter the narrow hall. Everything is still the same, his watches at the shelf on the right side, a board with postcards and notes right above it. I see a sunflower magnet and a note saying "Forgive yourself! :)" I smile and wonder if he did actually forgive himself... In the corner of my eye I notice his bluish-grey shoes. "He must be home!", I think to myself. I enter the living room and walk on my toetips to bedroom door, it's closed, but I can hear deep heavy breathing. "He is still asleep... Ok, I can take a shower before he wakes up."

I take some things from my suitcase and head straight to bathroom and take a long, long, long shower... I let the warm water just pour down my body... First time for the last 24 hours of my trip I feel tired. As I stare through wet, blurred shower glass I start getting some numb feeling in my stomach and wonder why am I here anyway... Cold water snaps me out of those confusing thoughts. Wrap myself into a towel and head to living room to put on some clothes. As I enter the room I can see a pile of dirty purple sheets laying in front of the bedroom door. I figure he is awake, but the door is still closed.

I head to kitchen to make some tea and breakfast. Some minutes later I can hear footsteps through the hallway and a water rinnung at the bathroom. "Perfect! He will be right in time for breakfast." I got carried away in preparing food that I didn't even realise I can't hear water running anymore. I leave the kitchen but I can't hear any noises, no signs of someones presence in the place. I think he might have left without me noticing and I feel tremendous fear at that very moment. I panically walk from one room to another searching for him, but he isn't there. I get overwhelmed with anxiety, sadness, fear, pain... So many mixed emotions replacing one another second after second... But then I hear water running in bathroom again and I feel like it washes all those emotions away.

Later, I hear doors opening and closing. I think he finished his shower so I can serve breakfast. I put plates and cups on a tray and head to the living room. The thrill of anticipation gives a light tremble to my entire body. I enter the room and finally see him. He's on the couch, lying on his left side covered with a blanket, with a laptop in front of him. I walk to the coffee table and put a tray there, but he doesn't see me. I feel that pain agin... Pain of being invisible, insignificant to someone... But I decide to ignore that. I sit next to him and he winces and looks at me. I look at those eyes... I can se fear, confusion, surprise... I lean towards him even more, hypnotized by that look of his... I never knew how to describe it. I remember I once told him I get a feeling as he would swallow me up with his eyes...

And there I am, in the moment of magic again, the same as the one when I was crossing the bridge. Only this time I don't feel the same calmness. In fact, I don't feel calmness at all. I feel rush, excitement, sweet anticipation. He took a breath to say something but I put my finger on his lips and said: "Hush now... We are here. This is who we are... This magic... There is no past. No future. We live now... We are this moment." And after some seconds of a pleasant silence, a deep, sensual, soft kiss interwines our souls...

And then I woke up... Lonely, sad, in pain, with the heaviest load on my heart but no tears to cry it all out and get it over with... I can handle keeping myself busy during the day to avoid letting my thoughts wonder towards him. But this, my dreams... How can I handle this?

*something to listen to while reading...

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