It's Easter weekend now, and I'm sitting here in my pajamas, messy hair, I didn't even make my bed or clean my house. All I do is hope that he will come. People think I'm crazy for thinking he actually might do that, because... You know, they have all sorts of arguments... He is too far from you, it's hard to travel that much, he has no reason to do that, and so on... All I can say is that there is no distance far enough that I wouldn't cross if all I needed was some free time so this 1110km between us wouldn't be such a big deal, there is no trip hard enough I wouldn't take if it would get me to see him, there is no reason I can think of that would stop me for doing whatever it takes to be close to him.
I know that most people think that I am crazy for not living my life, not finding another man... There was a man... The one who drove 700km just to see me for an hour and then drove back home, the one who surprised me for this holiday called Womens day, came here just to take me to dinner and then went back home the day after that... It wasn't good enough. I'm not saying candlelights, dinner, flowers, fine wine weren't good enough. They were great! But... Not being able to finish my sentence (after just one day of knowing me), not staying speechless to all the things that I say because he'd say them exactly the same way, not saying I look beautiful even if I wear just an ordinary, non-attractive clothes, not seeing the beauty in my eyes and being able to stop looking at them, not making me feel good for being me... That is what wasn't good enough. I'd trade all the candlelight dinners, all private skype guitar concerts just for me, all flowers I ever got, all jewelry, all handmade gifts I got, everything! I'd trade it all for just a simple holding-hands walk in a park with him.
Now, you may call me crazy for this, you may call me crazy for being alone so long... But let me ask you something... Do you know what love is? Did you ever really try to be with the one you love even with all the obstacles? Did you ever try to wait for the right time to be with the right person? Or you just got involved with first person who showed up? Go there before you call me crazy. Do that! Living in this busy world made us forget how pure and true and wonderful love can be... All it takes to feel this beauty is to trade physical pleasure for emotions and feelings. It's a trade in which you win, all you have to do is dare.
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"All I can say is that there is no distance far enough that I wouldn't cross if all I needed was some free time so this 1110km between us wouldn't be such a big deal..."
ReplyDeleteThere is a song, "When a man loves a woman", and it's about all the crazy things a man in love would do. Reading your line made me think, you love like a man! :)
I don't know why he didn't make that trip. Maybe he thought it was definitely worth making to see you (like the other guy), but he didn't see any future beyond that. Maybe he couldn't bear seeing the hurt in your eyes when he had to leave.
It's not always what we think...but you, any woman, deserves a man that would make that trip.
Why do you think I love like a man?
DeleteI don't know either why he didn't make that trip. Maybe you're right, maybe he didn't see any future beyond. Anyway, it's sad that he sees distance as such a big obstacle.
You know, one day I thought "There must be a man like him somewhere in this world." And I thought that I will find him if I open up for meeting new people. So I ended up having a boyfriend, again. And he was really wonderful, nice, kind, smart, he treated me well... For one moment in that relationship I actually thought that I might live that life where I am the one who is loved and who responds to that love with care and respect. I actually tried to trick myself into living a life in an illusion... And I would probably succeed. Luckily or unfortunately, my boyfriend lied to me and that lead us to the end.
I don't know... Many things happened lately, emotional conversations between distant guy and me... I was supposed to travel there this month, but... There is a girl involved now... And I gave up. I don't want to make people hurt because of me... However, I still hope that some things will change... For instance, on sunday is my birthday and it would be great if he finaly came here... :) It would be his choice then, it wouldn't be me interrupting some sort of relationship he has with that girl. So... Hope is something I will never lose. :)
I was kidding, a man in love will do anything to get to the woman of his dreams, just like you said, the distance would not be a problem. That's why I said you loved like a man, you would that for the man you love.
DeleteWould any woman in love do the same? I don't know, I was usually the one doing the chasing, and it's expected of men to do so. The woman "should" not show she is too eager, shouldn't try too hard, such is the culture, patriarchal I admit.
Hm. From everything you wrote and write, your feelings for this man run very deep. He has put a spell on you, for sure :). You're waiting for him to make a move, to let his actions speak for themselves, you're giving him a chance to come back.
He may come, and you can talk about what it all means and how he feels. There is always hope, and nothing has been decided and written in stone.
I understand you love him and think he may be the only one in the world. It's a subjective assessment of reality, but it's yours and it's real for you. He may just be (almost) perfect for you. You did say there is another person involved now, and that is a bit confusing, but, be careful. We men will say a lot of things to get out of trouble and especially, to make the women in our lives feel at ease.
It's your life and your love to give; be balanced and trust your instincts.
Not a lot of good advice, but then, I'm not much of an expert, just playing one :)
I wouldn't go any deeper into this subject. It's hard to explain... Or I don't want to... :) He is not the man who would tell things just to make me feel at ease. That is one thing I know for sure.
DeleteAnd as for the advice, any is good. :)
One more thing, I do think there is at least another one like him in this world, I just need to be lucky enough to meet him. :)
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