Looking back... Always looking back. Seems to me I will never stop. Or maybe I will some day, the day when us won't be just in my dreams. It's unbelievable! I rember every minute of every hour of every day we spent together. I remember your words, your smiles, you touches, kisses... I can still feel your breath on my cheeks, your fingers in my hair... I remember everything.
Sometimes it feels like you went away just few hours ago. I often imagine you left on a business trip and you will be back soon. That soon lasts more than a year. Time... A friend or an enemy? Friendly enemy. I don't know, I think everything happens at it's time.
You know, every day when I wake up, I go to my kitchen to make myself some coffe and, as I enter, it's like some kind of magic unfolds. I can see you there, sitting in the same place, looking at me... And I can see myself doing the same for the rest of my life, spending mornings with you in our kitchen, preparing coffee or tea and breakfast for us. Then I ask myself "How can this be?" It's been over a year and I still think of you every day. I see you in things I do and imagine us doing them together. I live with you in my mind and we have a great life. When rational me looks at this, she says "It was just one night, few kisses, words of a drunk man... Let it go!" And when emotional me looks at this, she says "It was everything! Never let it go!"I often think that I might find another you someday, but... People say breathtaking love happens only once in a lifetime. To meet such person as you are and to feel what I felt with you... I think it would be selfish to expect it to happen to me again in this life.
It will never be like that, it will never be the same. It will be different! You don't want it to be, you want him, only him, and that is how you feel now, you can't do otherwise.
ReplyDeleteIf you two are not meant to be, you will eventually move on. These heavy moments will pass and only bitter-sweet but faint emotions of longing and once-heavy-felt-love will remain. Life will go on. Don't force it. Let yourself feel everything, and let yourself grow with each painful step.
I do that... Exactly that way. Many things have happened during this summer. Many new life-changing moments and emotions that i will write about.
DeleteI don't know the form of your relationship, but I can read about its contents. I sympathize. I have loved in the way you describe. And had been broken down many times by the realization that the two of us cannot be together. All that attraction, desire, synchronicity of thought and temperament, but it wasn't enough. I've cried, I've been depressed...
DeleteTime passes, you get better, then you feel the pain again, the fear that you will never be a real person without her, that nothing is valuable unless she is by your side. You cry some more...time passes, you heal some more, the wound is always there, never closed, but it doesn't hurt as much, if you can help not to think of her.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we capable of such enormous emotions, such love, dedication, infatuation, and then mental pain, depression, longing, yearning? Why do these feelings exist, why are they possible?
I don't know...in a way, I'm glad I have experienced them. It was worth it.
It's not that I will never be a real person without him and that nothing is valuable if he's not by my side... My life is great, people that surround me, things I do... And I am a real person who knows how to be happy with little things. I just need that touch of magic time to time... Something to keep me going... Just until the next time. :) Or until some new magic appears. ;)
Delete