I was playing with my glass of wine while I talked to him. We were having some casual conversation about love, relationships, cheating... I mentioned that I really hate lies and told him that, in my way of thinking, cheating doesn't always have to be physical, and that the worst way of cheating someone is being in a relationship with them while loving someone else. Then he asked "Do you love someone?". I looked down at my glass and said "No." and that very moment I felt strong bolts of pain going through my chest... I couldn't stop the sigh coming out of me.
I was alone and lonely. I still am. Very lonely... And I can't make the feeling go away. But I had much time to think everything through and... I was weak, I was desperate, I was broken-hearted and much more... Now I am strong, but I still carry that love around with me.
In the end I got to a conclusion that the only person I cheated on was me.
Yes, I lied and yes, I cheated. Even now I can't really explain why... Was I trying not to hurt his feelings? I knew I meant everything to him. I could tell that by the way he looked at me and how he touched my face while talking to me. I knew that because I know very well how you treat someone who means everything to you. You forgive then for not calling, not wriing... You forgive small mistakes and big ones just to have them around. But you hurt... Love like that hurts... So it felt good to mean something to someone, but at the same time it felt bad because he was just an escape from my reality. That night I became even more lost in my pain, my madness. It got much worse than it ever was! It went far beyond the point of breaking. I felt worthless. I was doing two things I hated the most. But why?! I am not a liar or a cheater! I don't hurt others to make myself feel better. But then again, I was hurting him and it resulted in hurting myself even more.
It is somehow scary that a person can be so hurt to get to the point of chosing a life in illusion instead of facing the pain. To become weak and let your mind play games with you. In some moments I actually believed that man can be the one to stand by me for the rest of my life. Those moments exactly gave me the strong will to forget about my love, to do whatever it takes not to come in that lying/cheating position again. And it was good... Everything was fine until one day I faced the scary truth that heart is not to be ordered to. And I let him go.
It is somehow scary that a person can be so hurt to get to the point of chosing a life in illusion instead of facing the pain. To become weak and let your mind play games with you. In some moments I actually believed that man can be the one to stand by me for the rest of my life. Those moments exactly gave me the strong will to forget about my love, to do whatever it takes not to come in that lying/cheating position again. And it was good... Everything was fine until one day I faced the scary truth that heart is not to be ordered to. And I let him go.
I was alone and lonely. I still am. Very lonely... And I can't make the feeling go away. But I had much time to think everything through and... I was weak, I was desperate, I was broken-hearted and much more... Now I am strong, but I still carry that love around with me.
In the end I got to a conclusion that the only person I cheated on was me.
"It is somehow scary that a person can be so hurt to get to the point of chosing a life in illusion instead of facing the pain."
ReplyDeleteIt is all very human, actually. We lie to ourselves and believe things we want to believe. I guess it's all about making us feel better, even, paradoxically, when we feel pain and we are sad, it's somehow to preserve our own self-image.
Yes, we cheat ourselves the most; I'm not sure we can ever stop, or if it's even healthy to do so, and be brutally honest, but at least, we can be aware of the "tangled webs we weave".