Did you know I have a crying problem? Yeah, I can't cry. Even when the hurricane of pain tears apart my chests, I just can't. I cry after the storm is over, when the first sun beam touches my face, when I feel relief. It bothers me sometimes because there are days when I really need to release the pressure through my tears. Days like one I had yesterday...
I read something interesting my facebook friend posted few days ago. She wrote: "That's the way it goes... First you forgive someone for something and then you forgive yourslef for forgiving him. Like a vaccine. At first, you get a small dose, very small, how much your body can handle. And then all of a sudden, you become immune to the worst. You don't even notice when you became another person and how some viruses don't affect you anymore... Like some part of you, gentle and sensitive, dissappeared forever..." Maybe that's it... Maybe that is the reason I can't cry anymore. But I do hope my tears aren't lost forever.
I went to a funeral. Have you ever been to a funeral? I hope you haven't. Do you know what it's like? It's sad, depressing... And if the closest family of the decedent is a person you care about very much, then it hurts you and it breaks you into pieces, makes you feel helpless because you know there is NOTHING you can do. You know that there is a person who expects you to give some words and acts of comfort, person who needs you in order to get better. It's like just standing at the shore and watch a sinking ship.Nothing to say, nothing to do, noone to ask for help... There was a sister who lost sister, husband lost his wife, son lost his mother and, what got me the most, daughter lost a mother. I am a mother and a daughter so I will be in that position one day and so will my daughter. I don't want to sink when my mother dies, and I sure don't want my daughter to sink when I die. That is how I was sure her mother wouldn't want her to get lost in life facing this loss. This made me realise I do have something to say, I do have words and acts of comfort. I gave her a hug... A long, warm hug, and lots of words to help her soul heal. I watched her the whole time, just trying to see a sparkle of hope in her eyes... She looked same as me when I lost my granny... That is how I know she will go through a lot of pain, but she will be better in time... And, even though I felt as my heart was breaking, I couldn't cry...
I read something interesting my facebook friend posted few days ago. She wrote: "That's the way it goes... First you forgive someone for something and then you forgive yourslef for forgiving him. Like a vaccine. At first, you get a small dose, very small, how much your body can handle. And then all of a sudden, you become immune to the worst. You don't even notice when you became another person and how some viruses don't affect you anymore... Like some part of you, gentle and sensitive, dissappeared forever..." Maybe that's it... Maybe that is the reason I can't cry anymore. But I do hope my tears aren't lost forever.
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