I unpacked my suitcase few days ago. When unpacking it, I found this little silver star. The moust beautiful decoration for Christmas tree I have ever seen. I bought one for every important person in my life... I like giving people small things that will remind them of me, I prefer presents to have emotional value.
Have I finally arrived when I unpacked? No. It took a bit more than that...
It took one night out to realise I was home. It took a few drunk men with shallow perception of my personality. I am a waitress, you know, and here in my country most people feel like they have some kind of unspoken and unwritten right to treat me as they please. There was this one guy who wanted to kiss me and I rejected him. He asked why did I do it and I replied that I didn't want it. The next question was if I had a boyfriend and my answer was negative which lead to him being surprised with the fact that I rejected him and I don't even have a boyfriend. How can it be!? Really? I mean, really!? Eventualy I told him I don't like him and it's not going to happen. And he said all I have to do is give him a chance because I don't even know him. Every man says the same thing, that I have to try in order to know. And how to explain them I don't feel like trying?
Later, I had a sleep over at my friend's. We slept in same bed and nothing happened. We are still just friends. Having this experience leads me back to days spent in Germany. Before I arrived there R made a list of rules by which we were supposed not to kiss, not to touch and not to have sex... The idea was to see that we can be just friends. I told him it is impossible and that I will never see him as just a friend. So he changed his rules to something like limitless possibilities.
We spent four nights sleeping in same bed and nothing happened anyway, but that still doesn't define us as friends. And now I realise that only thing that makes difference between last night sleepover and days I spent with R is the fact that with R I felt so safe, so protected and so free. And I don't know his reasons for acting like friends... In fact, all I can do is choose to believe in brighter side of the story. I think this kind of believing is called hope. I choose to believe that he was just being a gentleman because... Well, he is a perfectionist and he made it clear that there is no room for girlfriend in his life now, that he would feel bad being in a relationship and not being able to give the best of himself into it. So I just believe that he chose nothing over something because he hopes someday he will have everything. I chose to believe...Maybe I am wrong... And if so, I just hope he cares about me enough not to keep me in his life because "just friends" brings a lot of joy but hurts even more.
Time... I'm not sure I have some more spare years to just hang around.
I recently read this quote:
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
Have I finally arrived when I unpacked? No. It took a bit more than that...
It took one night out to realise I was home. It took a few drunk men with shallow perception of my personality. I am a waitress, you know, and here in my country most people feel like they have some kind of unspoken and unwritten right to treat me as they please. There was this one guy who wanted to kiss me and I rejected him. He asked why did I do it and I replied that I didn't want it. The next question was if I had a boyfriend and my answer was negative which lead to him being surprised with the fact that I rejected him and I don't even have a boyfriend. How can it be!? Really? I mean, really!? Eventualy I told him I don't like him and it's not going to happen. And he said all I have to do is give him a chance because I don't even know him. Every man says the same thing, that I have to try in order to know. And how to explain them I don't feel like trying?
Later, I had a sleep over at my friend's. We slept in same bed and nothing happened. We are still just friends. Having this experience leads me back to days spent in Germany. Before I arrived there R made a list of rules by which we were supposed not to kiss, not to touch and not to have sex... The idea was to see that we can be just friends. I told him it is impossible and that I will never see him as just a friend. So he changed his rules to something like limitless possibilities.
We spent four nights sleeping in same bed and nothing happened anyway, but that still doesn't define us as friends. And now I realise that only thing that makes difference between last night sleepover and days I spent with R is the fact that with R I felt so safe, so protected and so free. And I don't know his reasons for acting like friends... In fact, all I can do is choose to believe in brighter side of the story. I think this kind of believing is called hope. I choose to believe that he was just being a gentleman because... Well, he is a perfectionist and he made it clear that there is no room for girlfriend in his life now, that he would feel bad being in a relationship and not being able to give the best of himself into it. So I just believe that he chose nothing over something because he hopes someday he will have everything. I chose to believe...Maybe I am wrong... And if so, I just hope he cares about me enough not to keep me in his life because "just friends" brings a lot of joy but hurts even more.
Time... I'm not sure I have some more spare years to just hang around.
I recently read this quote:
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
I've been making roundtrips from my past to my future to finally arrive to my present. I am at peace. I have my faith to keep me going.
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