Again!

There are just so many words piling up inside me. I want to write about a lot of things, but can't exactly focus. It's like in one moment I get this glimpse of thought and I turn it into entire story in a matter of minutes. But the minute I sit to write it down, it's all gone.

Lately I've been thinking how we are defined by our past relationships, our ex partners... Does this happen to you or is it just me? Or maybe we are defined by fear..

I had my first relationship really young. Too young, I think. But back then I just wanted to grow up, become "serious", be understood and accepted into the world of adults. I was inexperienced, innocent little girl who dated a 5 years older guy. He knew it all so good.. And better. He knew exactly what to say, what to do... And I was so in love! He was the only one, love of my life, the one I marry after I graduate. I was so naive. All he really wanted was to have sex regularly and not have to worry about whom he will do it with. Of course this disastrous year and a half long relationship ended with an enormous heartbreak. And there I was... Hurt and ashamed. I had lost my virginity, the very core of why men respected me (as I was taught by my mother). I felt devastated, unworthy and very, very wrong. I fell into the abyss of my sorrow and couldn't see the way out.

Some time after, my heart mended, or so I thought. I met new people, had other relationships, but after each break-up, I went back to him. I repeated this pattern for a decade, up until I met the one to whom I dedicated most of the posts on this blog.
He was very similar to the one I loved 10 years before him. Not by his character but by knowing exactly what to say and what to do. A decade after having my heart broken, I was in love again. I was over the moon! But I didn't land among the stars. I crashed, again. Over the next few years, I had my heart broken many times, by the very same person. But I kept my pattern of  "going back to", only now I always went back to Robert, each time I ended a relationship.

And I am doing so again. I am not actually going back to him, because we didn't stay in touch. Half a year ago, I had this moment of enlightenment where I realized that I don't want to feel like sh...t any more, so I unfriended him, unfollowed and so on, on every social media I use. I also deleted his number, just in case. A few months later I ended a 3-year-long relationship for the similar reasons. And I cried, day and night. Which was great, because I usually have a crying problem.

I got over it, moved on, life was good... Until the moment I realized I started missing Robert... Again!

The same old nightmares started. Not actually nightmares, but beautiful dreams I wake up from realizing they aren't true. And I think again only about the good things he did for me and how wonderful he can be. And I miss him and the way only he can understand what I want to say. There are parts of me I've never shared with anyone else.

I couldn't help but wonder, is this just the fear of admitting that I screwed up another relationship? Is this happening only because it's easier to "suffer" for him and because that is something I am used to? Or do I really still love him? And do I love him or just my idea of him?

Maybe some questions are meant to stay unanswered.
Anyway, it will be 10 years soon so maybe then I get the same crazy love that actually stays.